the balance

I've always known I wanted a baby. But I've been apprehensive about the part where I'll have to be a parent to that baby. Calling the baby my daughter or son sounds so grown up, so official, so old. I'll just take the cute, snuggly parts, please.

Watching Carter figure things out day by day is like getting into a really unpredictable, addicting movie. My absolute favorite thing to do is figure out different ways to make him laugh (hint: variations of peekaboo never fail). I always emphasize to him that we have a BFF kind of relationship.

But I've dreaded the part where I have to be his parent. I've never wanted to be a parental figure type, per se. I hate, hate, hate telling him he can't pull stacks of papers out of the filing cabinet or climb in the dishwasher while it's dirty, especially if he's having fun doing it. And nobody should have to wear pants if they don't want to.

He's gotten so smart that he can predict when we're strategizing a diaper change or a nap time, and he'll run crawl away really quickly. I feel bad for him and want to get on the floor, giggle and crawl away from Matt with him. Sometimes I wish we were the same age.

What's so confusing about learning to be a mother is that you have to balance the urge to have fun and be silly with instilling order, rules, manners and cleanliness. It should be easy, but babies are born cute for a reason ... looking at his enormous blue eyes and puppy ears makes me want to give him anything and everything. I've found myself trying to measure what's more important, a dry diaper, or Carter being happy in this moment? Why does it feel like such a tough call?

I guess it really hit me when the crawling away started. He'd never done anything but crawl to us, reach for us and tug on our pant legs. Watching that diapered hiney wiggle away so quickly made me realize that the dynamics are starting to change. Soon he'll hide things from me, not tell me the whole truth, not want to hang out with me and probably think I'm mean because I'm his mom. I don't think I'll ever feel anything like that for him, and it will break my heart.