Last week when we were sitting in the fertility office for the ump-teenth time on our track record, emotions mostly organized, I was feeling really clear-headed.
I avoided eye contact with normal-looking girls across from me and wondered, what could be going on in her body that drove her and her husband into the chairs beside us? Masses of people had the secretaries and admins at the front desk juggling paperwork, phone calls and complicated questions. Most of us either have an issue with conceiving or personally know someone who does.
In these offices (I've been to four of them), fertility is a business. Emotion from doctors and staff runs kind of low; people are ushered on and off of ultra sound tables by the minute. I once had a standard IVF procedure done and couldn't shake the word cattle from my mind.
It's an amazing scene to witness in there, because when you step outside that office, a person suffering from infertility will usually opt to keep the fight a personal, silent one.
I couldn't help but wonder (this is starting to sound very Carrie Bradshaw), if so many of us are dealing with infertility, where is this enormous wave of shame coming from?
I can sit, sipping on my iced mocha, getting my hair highlighted and openly reveal the intricacies of our IVF drama to a hair dresser I met five minutes earlier. Am I being naive? All she'd wanted to know was if I wanted another kid. The infertility reveal? A total flinch-inducer.
And it usually is. But it's not like I'm describing in vulgarity the intricacies of my female parts. I have organs that don't work the way they should, and I'm not embarrassed to tell you that. Sad? Yes. And I think it's the expectation of sadness and tears that brings all that discomfort into these conversations.
But what frustrates me is that the sadness usually yields to silence for most people seeking fertility treatment. My inability to have a baby changed me as a person. It made me stronger. Smarter. Aware that everyone has a different battle to fight. I couldn't have made that transformation in secrecy, so I sought out the ears of anyone who cared enough to listen. Fighting tooth and nail to get Carter, I wasn't looking for remorse, but I knew that being honest was the only way to gain a shoulder to cry on.
I think if we - the fertility challenged - take a leap past the shame, the whole world will find benefit. The uneducated can gain knowledge and then, respect. This was the way my son was created. If anything, I revere my own infertility. That's what you have to do if you want it defeated.
What a fab post Meghann. And I think it's a very honest one to post.
ReplyDeleteI don't have fertility issues (as yet or that I know of anyway) but I do have a friend who is currently on that road towards IVF and I have to say that her discussions -and yours - aren't a flinch or cringe inducer for me. I know you say that in fertility clinics it's all a business, but just kind of find the whole thing a marvel. Not that long ago, fertility issues would have never been diagnosed and fantastic parents like you would never have had the chance to be one. I just find the whole thing pretty fascinating. I appreciate it's a hard and emotional journey and it isn't all rainbows and sunshine most of the time, but it is pretty magic.
And I think that people should talk about it..... more and openly. Because my poor friend is desperate to talk about her issues and feels like she shouldn't, or can't. She also feels a bit like the first woman in the world who couldn't get pregnant and she shouldn't feel like that when it couldn't be further from the truth,
Oooops, sorry for the essay. But thanks for sharing your thoughts and starting the conversation. X
i love this post meghann. my husband and I are going through an IVF cycle right now and it is so hard. I love how you said that it has changed you and made you a stronger person - I can totally relate to that. My husband and I are pretty open about our struggles, but mostly with our closer friends. It is hard for me to find the balance between what to share and what to keep private, as I also don't want everyone to know details with timing and all that - as if feels like a lot more pressure to me. However, the handful of friends that I have told what really goes into IVF procedures had NO idea what it entailed. I wish more people knew that. I'm sorry you're facing that whole journey again, and hoping that it is successful soon!
ReplyDeleteWell said. I remember making an hour drive every morning for the better part of a year,waiting in line, getting blood work, then hopping on the ultrasound table. All the while never seeing the actual doctor, just a string of med students doing their fellowship. When I finally saw the doctor he told me there wasn't too much more they could do for me, that I would probably never have a baby, that he had NO idea why nothing was working for me. He didn't even know my name, and had to read all of this out of a file. I felt like a number, not a person. I think In a way maybe its the all business aspect of infertility puts shame in it. I'm am proud to say that jerk of a Doctor was wrong. I'm now having my second baby, and I'm glad to know that I've proved them wrong. This whole struggle made me a stronger person too, and that strength takes all the shame out of it. Maybe if more people who have been in our shoes stood up and spoke out the shame for other would go away.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine what you are going through and it hurts my heart. Keep your head up :)
ReplyDeleteSo incredibly beautiful. Thank you SO much for opening your heart to share this!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. The infertility struggle is already so emotional and difficult, and not being able to share your feelings and journey with others only makes it that much harder. Your post is inspiring!
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful and honest post. Thank you. I'm not sure and am only guessing, but I think the flinch comes from the fear of it in a way. If a beautiful young woman can have such a struggle that we often have delegated in our heads to older women, those with obvious health issues, etc. it means it can happen to us too...or that something can. I hope that makes sense in some way. You are a wonderful momma and I'm sure that in some way or another you will bless another little person with all the love your family of three can give.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wish I could be proud enough & courageous enough to wear a shirt that say "I have infertility" I get so tired of hiding it. I have been talking about it more, but moments can be SO FREAKING AWKWARD. People look at you like you have a 3rd eye. They don't know what to say. That's the worst part....don't say anything cause if you get pregnant on your own YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing to me how so many smart people have a hard time conceiving and yet if you look around you find oodles of complete idiots who cannot even take care of their kids having 37 kids. It isn't fair in general, and even less fair that you have to feel ashamed of it. You're smart and beautiful and the world is made a better place by people like you having children.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are as sucessful this time around as last.
Very insightful and very well said. I can't speak about infertility, I have no say in that area, but I think there are tons of issues in life that bring about shame when you have absolute no control over them(and some that seem like shame would be totally out of place). You can even see that in the area of abuse. You are doing exactly what needs to be done though...talk about it, blog about it, shed light on it! It gives it less power. You are so strong, thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteI am an infertility survivor as well, and I still am bitter about it, and still am sad about it. I was part of an infertility support group for a long time that helped trememdously. I was talking with a friend the other month about why "whys", and I was still questiong God about why he did this to me (even though I had kids at this point). And my friend's answer was simple: She told me, "This happened to you because you could tell your story and help other women who are going through the same thing are are scared, alone and confused". Nothing made more sense to me. I talk about it all the time. When at one time it was a "secret" I am much more open about it now and feel like a survivor, just like a cancer victim would say. There was not a darker, harder time in my life and I am so proud to have triumphed on the other side. And I have my two sweet trophies (battle wounds, lol) to show for it. And if I can help a woman along the way, I'm happy to do it. I am so sorry that you are going through it again, it's so unfair.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful!!! After 5 yrs of wanting a baby, I finally got my wish. Last month I gave birth to the most beautiful miracle. I cant thank God enough. I didnt talk much about my issue, not even to our families. Now, it's a completely different story. I talk about it all the time, and I hope that my story helps somebody. Thank you Meghann.
ReplyDeleteWell written blog... and I couldn't agree more! We also went through various treatments before seeing the blessed double pink line, and now we are happily living with a 7 week old beautiful baby boy. It's funny how infertility is sometimes shameful and sometimes not (for me). I can openly talk about it in forums where we are all experiencing the same thing. I can talk about it openly with close friends too. But then there are other groups of people who I hide these issues from. You're right though--there is nothing to be ashamed of! Thanks for this perspective. :)
ReplyDeleteGood post. I am a mother of 3 and a soon to be surrogate to someone else. We have been trying to get pregnant now for over a year and no matter how hard i try there is a point where i cant help. Whether its not being able to make eggs or making eggs that arent viable its very stressfull for all who are involved. I have start and stopped ivf meds twice now and its hard. The fertility clinics are exactly as you describe. Cold, no emotions, just money money and NEXT, NEXT. I wish theyd actually care about you and how you really are doing. They never ask. Just put your feet up and loosen up.. Geesh.. Given i am the surrogate, i am treated worse than the mothers. Come on, im giving my womb to help someone concieve risking my life and family for a long period of time. No one is treated equally in these clinics. Carter, Meaghann is so precious and you are so lucky. He will always make you proud and i love reading and watching what he is up to. Best of luck on your ivf journey.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are suffering from infertility, but you do not need to feel ashamed. I am sure you sharing your story will help others feel comfort in that they are not alone. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteMeghann - I started reading your blog a long time ago, before I knew I would be on the same journey. I've come back to your blog to read posts like these to remind myself that I am not alone. I just found out this week that our second IVF failed and I am starting to feel scared that I may never be a mom. Thank you for sharing your feelings and story as it is comforting to hear someone else in a similar place.
ReplyDeleteI love this post! And I totally get where you're coming from. I've been TTC for the better part of 6 years, and although many people know we're struggling, I still feel shame around talking about it. I shouldn't though. None of us should. And you explained it perfectly!
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