Tonight, while Carter and I were quietly rocking before bedtime, I interrupted the silence and tugged his fingers up to my mouth to blow on them, composing a super obnoxious noise. His appreciative, wide eyes blinked up to meet mine before he gave me a satisfying little giggle.

I did it because I could. Because those are my fingers.

For the majority of the first year of his life, the only body parts Carter was fully aware of were his gurgling, hungry stomach and his squealing vocal cords. He didn't even know he had fingers. Or toes or legs, knees, feet or elbows.

Heck, I'm still not sure he knows he has a nose or hair yet.

So, since he didn't know what was what and that all those parts were connected to him, I figured I'd claim ownership. Just temporarily. I had to take care of those parts and keep them growing, anyway.

Lately when I nibble on his my ear or examine the dimples in his my hands, I can't ignore the nudging thought that the older he gets, the more parts he's going to gradually be reclaiming as his own. He's not going to let me squeeze him, kiss him or straight up get in his face just to whisper to him in funny voices and sniff the top of his soapy afterbath head. Not entirely because he won't want me to - but because according to today's social etiquette, I'd be an outright weirdo. Because if you try to lift up your fifteen year old's shirt and give him a raspberry, chances are that more than a couple people will cross you off their Christmas card mailing list.

For now, I have delicious, boundary free snuggle buddy. I gobble up his disgusting, sloppy openmouthed kisses and request them again and again. Soon they'll dwindle, and all I'll have is the trust that my memories are real and a young man that learned affection by way of a mother who's marveled him.

In summary: Just me freaking out again that I got one of those babies that grows. Carry on.


  1. You really do have a way with words.

  2. That's a beautiful blog. Enjoy every moment with your baby while he's still little.

  3. That is so precious!! :) He is so cute!! His eyes are almost as big as his giant monster feet!

    I love that you write letters to him on here. My mom had me when she was barely 21, but had the insight to write me a letter every year on my birthday. She did it for 18 years and when I turned 21 she gave me a box with pictures of us on it and put the letters inside. They were all in sealed envelopes, she hadn't read them since they were written and neither had anyone else. It was so fun (and emotional) opening them and reading them. She talked about how hard leaving my dad was and how it was the best for us. She excitedly wrote to me when my sister was just a wee little fetus to tell me I'd be a big sister soon. She wrote about how sad it was that I was growing up, but how happy she was to see me learning new things. It really is my most prized possession and I fully intend to do the same thing for my kids.

  4. Oh and a trend I noticed, in almost every letter she told me how important education was and how she wanted me to get the best education I could. She took her nursing board exams at 20 years old, several months pregnant with me. :)

  5. oh gosh! after i read this i went and gave my 12 week old boy a big kiss and cuddle.. and i recieved a big toothless smile back. All this week i've been wishing he would sit on his own.. now I'm not so sure.. he'll be my tiny baby even when he's 15, even when the girls and parties start, lol.

  6. @Danielle i love that idea! it's so sweet! my letters to carter are just ramblings and not super personal because they're published on the internet, maybe i'll think about writing letters like you & your mom.

  7. @peta i keep wishing for milestones to come too, it's so exciting to see them do new things, even if that does mean they have to get older

  8. @Ruby thanks ruby! i try, prob a little too hard sometimes :)