No, not bananas.
Or Grandmothers.
This post is about boobs. Tah-tahs. Or, as Carter would have it, Nanas.

I'll start by saying that I'm extremely proud of myself for being a part of the 11% of nursing mothers who (will probably) nurse my baby up to 12 months of age. I never thought I was that kind of person. You know, that determined, nursing kind. I'm happy Carter's so healthy. I love that it bonded us. I feel like I learned more about myself and my son that not everyone has the opportunity to do.

But, as it turns out, I'm finding that I don't really have a choice in the whole nursing matter anymore. Forget trying to make it 12 months, we'll be lucky if we stop before he's 20 years old. I'd love to start weaning him. In fact, about four months ago, I declared it was time to start formula (which, obviously, didn't work).

I'm a primary witness that too much of a good thing can go bad. It feels like we're on a runaway train. All aboard:

I was pregnant, I didn't think I'd be able to nurse. Everyone made it sound so hard.
The night Carter was born, I wasn't even sure if I was allowed to put him on my boob. It seemed weird, wrong, and I didn't know how.
The first month, I spent 20 minutes at a time trying to get him to latch on and position his head so he could eat. I still remember the sound of his hungry, frustrated grunts.
The second month, I couldn't believe I was really a successful, exclusively nursing mother. It felt so special, I loved it. Go me!
The third and fourth months, when we started to get out of the house a little more, I noticed how hard it was to feed, pump and have social freedom at the same time. I still loved it, I persisted.
Around six and seven months, I budged a little and decided we could mix nursing and formula. Carter wasn't having it. He pushed away formula and cried.
Around eight months, Carter developed a new passion for nursing. He does it for fun. Food. Comfort. He rolls around, sits and stands while he nurses. He'll lay with me for an hour and start humming when there's no milk left. He sucks, plays with a toy, then sucks again. He pinches. He owns it, it's his, he freaks when he wants it. And he always wants it. If nursing were a sport, Carter would be an Olympic medalist.

If you've extensively nursed your baby (like for a few months), you might understand what I'm talking about. After time, it can get to be a lot of weight on your shoulders, having the baby exclusively rely on you in this physical way - whining to you whenever he's hungry, bored or falls down and needs a comfort that can only be given by your chest.
It's frustrating not being able to leave him alone with his father - or anyone - for too long, knowing he'll get cranky and cause stress if he goes more than a few hours without nursing. Forget pumping bottles or shaking up some formula. Carter demands his nana.

I cringe when my husband asks him, Do you want some nana? The second the word hits the air, the baby turns into a Nana Machine, built to seek out and drain every breast created on planet Earth. Nana! Nana? Nana! Nana? Nana! Nana? Nana!
My instinct is to hide. Matt laughs, The boy loves his nana.
I've truly started to slightly avoid using words that start with the letter N around Carter, for fear of sparking his passion. Obsession. Fixation. Mania. Call it what you will.

Talking to a lot of moms via YouTube, I learned that the majority of us whose babies co-sleep and/or wake every couple hours to feed are nursing babies. At ten months old, I've finally got him partially in the crib, but the regular feedings withstand our sleeping situation. By the time the sun rises, he's somehow ended up in our bed.

Consequently, I noticed that it's a little strange he hasn't formed an attachment to any of the blankies or teddy bears I hand him before he goes to sleep. He literally tosses them all aside; looking any of the poor bears in the eye isn't even a consideration.
It's also a no to pacifiers. To bottles. To favorite books. To rocking.

He has interest in none of it, as his stellar blue eyes bore into my chest.
And then I realized it. I am his blankie. I am his teddy bear. I am his mommy. His little voice quietly whimpers and beckons his demand, Nana.
Major sigh.
Exhausted as I am, I wouldn't have it any other way.


  1. Cameron is the same! I had to laugh at your description of Carter "He rolls around, sits and stands while he nurses. He'll lay with me for an hour and start humming when there's no milk left. He sucks, plays with a toy, then sucks again." - story of my LIFE. LOL!

    Congratulations on 10 months! I hope to be and will super proud to be one of those 11% of nursing Mumma's too! I love that you're so positive about breastfeeding <3

  2. Thank you so much for this...I really enjoy reading your blog. I know this is personal, but can I ask if you work outside the home? I'm trying to determine how I'll be able to manage working outside the home and breast feeding.

  3. O-m-g. This is the story of my life. And I am proud to say that I went against the advice of all of my formula-mixing friends and went with my instincts on this one. Although I am in the exact same boat as you (Adelyn refuses any and all bottles/artificial nipples!) I wouldn't have it any other way. I truly feel that I have bonded with my daughter in a way no body else ever has, or will. So, I share your bittersweet emotions. :)

  4. I hear ya!! I've started again for the fifth time, not sure if I'll go the full year this time, maybe 9 mo. I cry every time I wean my babies LOL!

  5. My baby has mayjor latch issues and so I feel like I've deprieved her of something she should have had. After the first 4 weeks of her screaming for food, the bottle and some forumal was introduced. I still pump and give her the milk, but I've never been able to produce more than 4oz ever 3 hrs and so as she creeps 5mnths, she's about 75% formual and 25% breastmilk. I tried everything and even used guards, laction constulants and midwives.
    I wonder why it's easier for some than others. And it's scary to think about what would happen if their wasn't formula around for those of us that do have problems.
    I think your blog and words are great, and Carter is a cutie.

  6. Hey!
    The first time I came across your blog was through your 'breast is best' post. I even left you a link to my post on breastfeeding but I'm guessing since you have so many comments you never got around to checking it out.
    Anyways, this post is just wonderful too. Arissa is the same kinda. We have tried giving her formula sometimes and also when she went on a nursing strike and she just refuses. And although we give her a pacifier, she still loves nursing and at night she is literally attached to my boob lol... I think she sleeps with my nipple in her mouth.
    Keep up the great work with the wonderful posts. And since you've been a mommy about 5-6 months longer than me, I find you inspiring. =)
    From a mommy whose world revolves around her new baby as well!

  7. i love the way you write!
    So captivating! =)

  8. Keep it up! I'm telling you, you won't end up nursing a kindergärtner. I got to nurse my little Lainey for 2 months exclusively, but she was not gaining any weight after about week 6. It made me super sad that I had to begin supplementing. Then, just the other day Jeremiah (my husband) said Lainey had bonked her head and needed a bottle. I instantly thought, comfort .. in a bottle?? It made me super sad remembering how just a month and a half ago Lainey needed "nursings" because she had gotten a bonk on the head. It is worth the "trouble" as it has been called by many, but I look at it as a treasure. Enjoy this closeness while it lasts! You're a great mommy!

  9. You are blessed to be able to bond with your baby in this manner. I wish that when I have a baby I could exclusively breast-feed my baby, unfortunately I work full time and go to school part time. So, keep up the awesome job. You are a great mommy!

  10. I think its awesome you are breastfeeding. Best thing for your little one. I'm breastfeeding also and working partime so i've been using the evil pump :P not a fun thing but want to make sure he gets breast milk some way.

  11. this article made me cry and become overjoyed with the fact that I breastfeed my baby girl.. I am always nervous that she only takes the breast and at times it can be very hard ( example leaving her with hubby )-- but your last statement about how you found it weird he wasnt attached to a blankie or teddy and how he is attached to you with his eyes .. it was just a beautiful way of putting should be soo proud of yourself

  12. This was a lovely blog article. I'm on month 2 of nursing and truely enjoy it. The last paragraph was simply beautiful. You've created not only an amazing bond with your boy and help him grow but you, yourself are also growing emotionally and mentally from it each day :)