my petition for 26 hours in a day

I am not one to complain.

For three years I fought fertility issues, and quite frankly, if I were to read something along the lines of what I'm about to write, I would have scowled at my computer screen and given it the finger. And I never give the finger.

Because, in my book, mothers have no right to complain. They had everything I ever wanted - hell, I would have rolled around in a pile of poopy diapers and not slept for a hundred days straight if it meant I could just have a baby.

As the baby blog world rolls, so it seems we all come to some sort of collision or crash and burn when we smash into the toddler stage. Or at least I have. Everyone else seems to be happily blogging along.

And so here am I and my excuse for my blogging hiatus.

I haven't touched my computer or my camera since the Christmas-ish days a couple weeks ago. My baby perfected his walking, so he walks all over me, everything we own in this house and things we didn't even know we had. He points to his mouth, signing that he's hungry every 13 minutes, and yet he refuses to eat any snack/food/meal idea I contrive.
I have just about lost my mind.

Quite honestly, I'm tired of talking about babies and what they're doing and cheerios and the texture of poopy diapers. I know, quite a statement for a post on a would-be happily puttering along baby blog.

I want to sit on my couch, turn on the TV and indulge in something ridiculously girlie and grown up for three straight hours.

All I've heard since the day we brought Carter home is Don't worry, it'll get easier.
Well, answer me this, mister Getter of Easier - why has everything straight out of nowhere gotten so friggin' complicated and hard?

There are only two things I want for myself and this whole stay at home mom deal during the day - a clean house and a happy baby. I can't have either one.

When I shift my focus to cleaning, my baby clings to my leg, crying and whining. When I concentrate on just feeding and playing with him, the more grimey unlivable my house becomes. We can't find toothbrushes, wipes, towels, shoes, pants. You name it, it's probably in a pile somewhere or on the kitchen floor. Laundry is clean but never folded. Things are spread everywhere; Carter tears things apart and they land in unrequited territories across the house.

My mom - my hero - is taking care of Carter this weekend. And although I do truly miss him, the pressure weighing on my chest that was holding back my tears has vanished. I can't remember having a freeing feeling like this since the day I finished high school or got my driver's license.

31 comments:

  1. I started back at work last week and thought i would be in floods of tears leaving my lovely little girl for four hours a day. Turns out she is quite happy at nursery and I do truly enjoy my four hour break (work is a breeze compared to looking after a baby!) and when we are reunited 4 hours later we both seem refreshed and ready to spend some quality time together. You are not bad for needing a break, we all do! and I am in the same boat re: my house. Weekends are cleaning weekends now!

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  2. p.s my daughter is 11 months old, she's not a newborn.

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  3. Glad you are catching a break! I've heard lots of mommies say that they become BETTER mom's when they get a break and some "grown up time"!

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  4. Hey lady, just wanted to shoot you a message to let you know that one- you are not alone in feeling the need for sitting on the couch and watching girlie awesome tv. not only are you not alone, but you are entitled to do so! being a sahm is hard, like REALLY hard. and as you know, it challenges you to the core.
    so, for yourself, watch those girlie shows, indulge in new makeup, hair stuff, clothes, etc. do what you loved before having a baby. it took me a little more than a year to realize this (my daughter is almost 14 months) and even if its something as small as buying a new eyeshadow, it really does help to bring yourself back to the girl you were pre-baby. And this isn't a bad thing!!
    And secondly, I don't know about other followers, but I personally wouldn't mind seeing a post from you that talks about girlie stuff other than baby! Feel free to talk about makeup, hair, fashion, whatever! Its your blog, your outlet...if your uninspired to post baby related stuff, post whatever makes you happy, even if its not blogging at all. you need to do what is good for you with no pressure. :)
    I enjoy you and your family & hope that you can find some balance. And, give yourself a break...you did just move!

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  5. I can relate so much! I'm not a stay at home mom, but I'm up at 5:30 every morning and I don't get a break until 8pm when Hannah goes to sleep. Sometimes it's nice to just veg out on the couch and not do a darn thing.

    Love your blog!

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  6. Sounds like you just need a break. I would go crazy too if what you said above was happening to me. Good luck hun!

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  7. I know exactly what you are talking about. I have two sons, aged 3 and 1. Life is more than crazy at times. Some days it feels like I'm living a real life sitcom.
    It's funny, even though there are moments where I don't know how I'm not going to loose my mind, the thought of my oldest going off to school in a couple of years kills me. I don't want to be apart from him 30 hours a week.
    After having my second, I learnt the value in a weekly break to myself. My husband has Fridays off, so every Friday, I leave for 4-5 hours and do the shopping. I love having the time to myself! Listening to my music in the car, having uninterrupted thoughts and time to just breath refreshed my beyond words.The highlight of my day is my lunch break. I buy a Peoples Magazine and go to a sit down restaurant, it's the most amazing meal!
    When I come home, I have recharged and I love returning to my regular life! My husband sees such a positive change in me that he makes those Friday trips a priority. And he loves having the boys all to himself.
    So my advice, take weekly time to recharge. Whether it be to go and buy groceries, a girls night out, whatever. Just something to have a break from your daily/nightly ins and outs. It's amazing how just taking a little time in your week to recharge can make all the difference!

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  8. I wanted to mention to that boys in general are a lot more active than girls. Boys like to run around, destroy and make a mess. So Carter is perfectly normal! All my friends have girls and they can't get over how active Zaden is. They get tired just watching him run around.
    Final note, I love how you mentioned watching something girlie. I had this conversation with my husband when he mentioned that I haven't wanted to watch one on "his" movies in a while. I thought about and agreed. I told him that my life is now consumed with everything boy. And that by the time I get to have some me time, I want girlie time. It's funny!
    Anyways, we all understand where you're coming from! We all love our kids and wouldn't change things. But it is nice to know that we're not alone and it's nice to hear how others deal with frustrations.

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  9. Ha ha...once in a while I get my clean clothes folded...but never put away. Who needs dressers when we have the floor??? I like seeing this side of you, it has kind of been making me feel bad to see how perfect and put together you are all the time.

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  10. Glad to see a post with honesty. It reminds me of a great article from a blogger about people's need to appear "perfect", and how it is actually hurting us. I hope you read it, it really helped me see how much happier I'd be if I was a little more honest about how I feel.

    Disease Called Perfection

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  11. I know where you're coming from. Us moms def need a break every so often to regroup. Getting your hair, nails or going to the mall def helps:)Sometimes I feel my husband thinks I have it easy being a SAHM but when he is alone with Brayden he doesnt have to tackle on paying bills, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bath time etcc....... it is hard but we wouldnt change it for the world:)

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  12. I loved reading this post! At times I read your blog and feel kinda bad about how I'm doing this mommy thing because you seem so together! Thanks for being honest :) My laundry never gets put away. Glad you're getting a break!

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  13. We all have times we feel like this, good on you for admitting it. I hope you feel a lot better after having a couple of days to refuel. You are an amazing mother.

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  14. @Anonymous definitely not even close to perfect over here! i just always hesitate about posting negative blogs because really i know i have an incredibly blessed, lucky life and have absolutely no right to complain. but it does build up sometimes, i had to vent :)

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  15. @KAD33 i think the entire title "stay at home mom" just sounds easy because it has the phrase "stay at home" in it. staying home sounds so relaxing. husbands really have no idea what the house would turn into if we just decided to sit on the couch one day and do nothing

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  16. @KateSlaterPhotoArts wow what a great article! thanks for sharing it!

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  17. @Anonymous i tend to just blog about happy things, i guess because nobody wants to read all about problems. but yeah, usually by the time i have a chance to put away laundry, it's time to wear it anyway, so what's the point of the extra step?!

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  18. @Jen having a baby does make you take the girlieness down a notch or two, but then you put on a self tanner one day and you're like, man, it DOES feel awesome to look good!

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  19. @Jen thanks for the awesome recharge ideas! even when i get away for 20 minutes to drive and get starbucks while matt sits with carter, just being alone & listening to my own music while i drive completely resets my brain. sitting and eating a lunch with a magazine sounds wonderful, i think i'm going to try it!

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  20. @Wendy that's a long day! even if i were to lay on the couch, i know i'd feel guilty :P

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  21. @Kammy'sMama i love your description of SAHM life, it definitely challenges you to the core. thanks for relating & the encouragement, i needed to read a comment like yours for sure

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  22. @Sally sometimes i imagine going off to work would be more like "me" time than work, you don't have a little person screaming & crying at you if you don't do everything perfectly his way. 4 hours apart seems like the perfect amount of time, longer than a nap, but shorter than the average 8 hour workday =)

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  23. I love your honesty Meghann! I don't have children but I imagine that every mommy goes through these stages and I say you shouldn't feel guilty or bad for feeling the way you do when you are exhausted. You are a great mom : )

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  24. I know what you mean! I thankfully have been given the oppertunity to stay at home with my little guy (he is now 13 months old) and while I am so greatfu; for all the quality time we spend with one another there is definatly something to be said for making some time for yourself (this is something I am only recently learning myself). I STILL have not left him anywhere overnight I like to think I am building up to that but a few hours during the day makes all the difference in the world. The first time I let my mother watch him I came home and just sat in my living room and listened to something I did not even know I could miss, silence. It was blissful!
    All that being said, you are a great mommy. Keep doing what you are doing! Carter is precious!

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  25. @Anonymous i know what you mean, i am definitely thankful for the opportunity to stay home and spend so much time with him, it really is all i want to do. i didn't think redundancy or aggravation would ever hit me. i wouldn't give up my time with carter for anything, but the frustrating days have hit me.

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  26. I just wanted to thank you for posting this. I read your blog all the time and you inspire me to really just enjoying every moment I have with my son. Then I have days where I feel like I'm going to lose my mind and im a bad mom. To know I'm not alone makes me feel so much better! Thank you!

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  27. So normal! I just wrote about feeling like this as well. Time out is essential so you can return and feel ready to tackle another day in the hot seat/ Good luck xx

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  28. To be completely honest it was actually refreshin to read this... for close to a year I've watched your Vlogs about this perfect little baby you have and while yes he is probably pretty perfect I thought to myself "does this girl ever have an off day"? Lol. I am a stay at home mom to two boys and let me tell you, the negative feels I have can be overwhelming at times. Don't feel guilty about letting those out every now and then- it's healthy! (:

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  29. laundry clean but never folded.
    i feel your frustration. this is my life right now =(

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