Be warned. This one's a little dark.
I've thought for a while about actually putting this into blog form versus keeping it pinned neatly inside the privacy of my head. But I'm going to throw aside thoughts about what people might think (as in, this girl's crazy) and just go for it.
We're getting on a plane to France next Sunday. I don't speak a word of French, but Paris is going to be a dream. I haven't even been able to seriously make myself pack or put together outfits because I'm battling with the mindset that our plane's going to crash. I've convinced myself that I won't even really need those outfits.
Yep, very dramatic and irrational. I've flown plenty in the past, but not since we went through fertility hell and back and had Carter. Realistically, I know that every time we get in the car, we're putting ourselves at risk. But I just can't talk myself out of this sense of uneasiness. Life feels so much more valuable and fragile than it ever has before.
My heart plummets at the thought that - should our plane crash - he won't get to live in the house we're building him. He won't know the things I want him to know. I won't be able to give him anything.
He won't remember me.
My stomach is sunken, I have a lump in my throat, and my eyes burn a little. I'm not crying, though.
If you thought you were at risk of dying in 10 days, would you do things any differently? I've been trying harder to make eye contact with Carter when I tell him I love him. I sing him more songs. I play, hug and kiss like I'm never going to get to do it again. And like he'll never feel his mother's love again.
Carter, here's what I want for your life, should I be gone:
*Know that you should work at winning people over with your personality first. Hypnotize them with your big, round eyes second.
*Confidence. I want you to look people in the eye and know that they're no better than you are.
*Know that jealousy serves no purpose but to make you feel bad.
*Offer whatever help you can give, whenever you can.
*Don't cheat on girlfriends. Be polite to their parents.
*Know that, at the core, people are genuinely good. Even if they treat you badly. The only thing anyone really wants is to be liked.
*Run barefoot playing in the woods.
*Smile at strangers. Keep in touch with your wide-open, childish personality that's never afraid to wave a Hi.
*Know that I wouldn't like whatever tattoo you're getting. Even if it says Mom.
*Earrings are even worse.
*Always be on time or call if you're running late.
*Fix things. Or figure out how.
*Know that you can't make someone love you.
*Send Thank You notes.
*To know that appearances do matter. Take good care of your hair, teeth and clothes. Wash your hair every day.
*Learn a second language. I feel like it lessens ignorance.
*Be kind. Unfailingly.
*I love your ears. Never change them.
*You can make a difference in the world.
*Know that I love you more than anyone else ever will. Wife. Children. Anyone.