Be warned. This one's a little dark.

I've thought for a while about actually putting this into blog form versus keeping it pinned neatly inside the privacy of my head. But I'm going to throw aside thoughts about what people might think (as in, this girl's crazy) and just go for it.

We're getting on a plane to France next Sunday. I don't speak a word of French, but Paris is going to be a dream. I haven't even been able to seriously make myself pack or put together outfits because I'm battling with the mindset that our plane's going to crash. I've convinced myself that I won't even really need those outfits.

Yep, very dramatic and irrational. I've flown plenty in the past, but not since we went through fertility hell and back and had Carter. Realistically, I know that every time we get in the car, we're putting ourselves at risk. But I just can't talk myself out of this sense of uneasiness. Life feels so much more valuable and fragile than it ever has before.

My heart plummets at the thought that - should our plane crash - he won't get to live in the house we're building him. He won't know the things I want him to know. I won't be able to give him anything.

He won't remember me.

My stomach is sunken, I have a lump in my throat, and my eyes burn a little. I'm not crying, though.

If you thought you were at risk of dying in 10 days, would you do things any differently? I've been trying harder to make eye contact with Carter when I tell him I love him. I sing him more songs. I play, hug and kiss like I'm never going to get to do it again. And like he'll never feel his mother's love again.


Carter, here's what I want for your life, should I be gone:

*Know that you should work at winning people over with your personality first. Hypnotize them with your big, round eyes second.
*Confidence. I want you to look people in the eye and know that they're no better than you are.
*Know that jealousy serves no purpose but to make you feel bad.
*Offer whatever help you can give, whenever you can.
*Don't cheat on girlfriends. Be polite to their parents.
*Know that, at the core, people are genuinely good. Even if they treat you badly. The only thing anyone really wants is to be liked.
*Run barefoot playing in the woods.
*Smile at strangers. Keep in touch with your wide-open, childish personality that's never afraid to wave a Hi.
*Know that I wouldn't like whatever tattoo you're getting. Even if it says Mom.
*Earrings are even worse.
*Always be on time or call if you're running late.
*Fix things. Or figure out how.
*Know that you can't make someone love you.
*Send Thank You notes.
*To know that appearances do matter. Take good care of your hair, teeth and clothes. Wash your hair every day.
*Learn a second language. I feel like it lessens ignorance.
*Be kind. Unfailingly.
*I love your ears. Never change them.
*You can make a difference in the world.
*Know that I love you more than anyone else ever will. Wife. Children. Anyone.



  1. I think every mother at some point has this fear. It takes a lot to publicly put this out there. Very well said :)

  2. This is just the mother in you, to have these fears. I battle them all the time. Driving alone makes me think.... what if I don't make it home... what if she has to grow up without her mother? Will she know? Will she remember? How I am the one person in this world that will love her more than anyone else. I know exactly how you feel.

  3. Awe you are such a sweetie! Carter knows you love him lots :) Your flight will be great and you will be home before you know it! My mom has the same fears taking me to Disney when I was ten because both my parents & gradparents and 4 aunts and uncles were on the same flight. She thought if the plane went down and everyone died but me ( RARE, I know) Where would I go? and who would raise me? She got her self so worked up my grandmother gave her anxiety medication and she passed out from Ma to FL . We all lived and have a great vacation, and you will too :)

  4. Your flight is going to be perfectly fine! You are more likely to be struck by lighting than to be in a plane crash. That is a fact! Have a fabulous vacation. :-) And your little man knows you love him more than anything else in this world! You are his momma & all boys know that their momma's are the ones that will love them more than anyone else in the world. And he will never ever forget you no matter what, you're his mommy!

  5. You know if it's just a typical mommy worry or a deep down gut feeling, if it is a gut feeling I honestly wouldn't go. No wedding is worth your son but if it's just typical mommy anxiety know everything will be fine. Have you talked to a lawyer since you had Carter to make a will saying who you'd want Carter to go to if (God forbid) anything were to happen to both of you? I did soon after my son was born. It's a wise thing to have.

  6. i'm one of those weird people who feel things... yea don't ask what but I would say if you feel like that, it may not be for no reason. I don't want to freak you out but gut feelings usually rule. I do alot of things that run off my gut. however, my husband is going away this weekend for our other company and last night i had that crazy thought of 'what if' something happens - what if, cause i won't be there. what will we do without him... the thought left my head as quick as it came. but none the less, you seem bothered more than i was. just trust your instinct and if you see signs, listen to them. the world often sends us signs and we never pay attention to them, that everything happens for reasons and what not. cheers :)

  7. Aw, I know that feeling too! Whenever I'm feeling anxious like that about something, I say a prayer and ask God to give me peace and safety. And, if I'm not supposed to do something/go somewhere, that he would give me a clear sign:) Always makes me feel better! I'll send a prayer up for you Meghann=)


  8. Oh, I totally understand that feeling! I have a whole journal for Bennett with lists like yours. Even though I know that Bennett would be in good hands if we were to die, the thought terrifies me. I spend a lot of time praying for peace about all this! I'll be praying for peace & safety for you. Enjoy your trip!

  9. This post brought tears to my eyes. It's so sad and beautiful at the same time. I too have those fears. With mine, I fear getting terminally sick and dying. It doesn't help that we seem to know many people who get sick or die. I have to work on not meditating on those thoughts, but spend my days that I do have loving my little family. I'm sure your flight and trip will be wonderful and safe. Know your fears are due to such a love that you have! No Mom wants her children to grow up without her. And thankfully, most kids will never have to experience that kind of loss. Have a great trip, you're a fantastic Mother!

  10. You are not alone in feeling the way you do. I have been a wreck panicking about things happening to me since the day my son was born, starting with the feeling that I might fall down the stairs, either while holding him, or when he's in his cot all alone and nobody would know. It's a mothers fear that is more common than you might think.
    You're coming to Europe though, that's really exciting! I'm sure all will be just fine and you'll have a wonderful time. But I would be just the same, so don't worry about people thinking your strange. If you are, then I am too!! xxx

  11. I just finished reading your post about the plane. I have to be honest and tell you I had the same thoughts running through my head a little over a month ago when my husband, myself and my 10 week old baby girl boarded a plane to Maui. The night before we were set to depart I started balling to my husband about all the fears I had of something happening on the flight (so horribly morbid) I was having VERY bad thoughts. I had never been so scared in my life to fly. My husband and I also struggled with fertility issues. I was only 25 when we started trying. So to be "infertile" at such a young age was devastating. I think after going through any type of fertility struggle it puts life in perspective. You are (in my opinion) completely valid with your thoughts and fears. We both know how precious life is and how hard some of us have to work to create that life.  Thank you for sharing your life and little Carter. I am so excited for you to try for baby #2!!! I can't wait to see your Paris blog posts;)

  12. dear meghann, I fly several times a year and when my babygirl was born i started having the sames thoughts as you did!
    Another thing: we live in germany near munich you are very welcome to visit!! I will show you around ratisbona and do translation :-)
    you can mail me if you are interested (it is not far from paris): desi.ratay@gmail.com

  13. Oh my goodness I SO no how you feel! I won a long weekend away for me and my hubby, in the same country that we live, but I was imagining all sorts-the car crashings, the hotel being bombed, the millenium wheel tipping whilst we were in it (yes, we went to London!). Coming home wa sthe best part of our whole trip lol

  14. I definitely know how you feel! Even long car trips make me feel that way!!! We're mothers now, and we love our children so dearly that unfortunately, these fears take over sometimes. You'll have a beautiful trip, I'm sure, and I cannot WAIT to see the pictures! =)

  15. Wow. Now that I have stopped crying!! Such beautiful words Meghann and unfortunately such normal thoughts for such a loving momma. I don't think a day goes by that I don't have some awful irrational thought but you just have to hope and pray that everything will be fine.

  16. Meghann - Ever since I had my son 6 months ago, every single solitary day I leave the house without him I think "What if this is the last time I will ever see him?" And when my hubs leaves I think "What if he gets killed and Brett won't have a daddy?" I used to have nightmares about it and such awful anxiety, that I prayed over it a lot. The other night I left for work & the feeling struck me so bad that I held my son so tight, tried to memorize everything about his face, kissed him atleast 100 times and cried. Well I came home the next day to him without a scratch on me. (12 hour night shift) So just know you are not alone. Worst feelings I've ever had!!!

  17. i can't even tell you guys all how much reading your comments has eased my heart. just knowing i'm not worrying alone helps me a lot.

  18. @Mrs. Mama ughh the "would he remember" sits with me a lot, i worry that i'll have vanished from existence in his head. it's such a sickening feeling.

  19. @Love Hope Faith i totally get your mom's thought process on that one :)

  20. @Libby's Life thanks!! i need to keep hearing things like that over and over. could you write it a few more times? haha jk. i'll just read it again :P

  21. @Anonymous i've looked into the Will thing, in north carolina it costs $400 to get it done for both parents, and if you don't have one, everything you have goes directly to the state and not to your child, pretty ridiculous.

  22. @Bella i have more and more of those "what if" feelings as i get older. i'm putting a positive outlook on those creepy, sickening feelings by saying that the what ifs are what keep us safe

  23. @Jennifer you're right about not meditating on negative thoughts, i'm a believer that negative thinking just empowers bad things to happen. i really need to concentrate on that advice

  24. @Glitterbug i know what you mean, i've worried since he was born too. everything feels really fragile.

  25. @Anonymous i was "infertile" at a young-ish age too, 28. i give complete credit to my infertility for the obsessive love i have for carter - in the long run, it probably wasn't such a horrible thing, because i really cherish him. but on the back end, it's annoying worrying that i might lose him after such an emotional battle. i do hope to blog a little from paris. (if i get there) haha

  26. @Jill i think that all the time too!!! whenever i leave him, i say a tiny prayer in my head that we'll be back together safely. i especially think those kinds of things when my husband drives 30 minutes to and from work every day. anything can happen.

  27. @Jaime thank you jaime! here's to hoping the irrational fears fade with our babies' age

  28. @hollyannamamma i think about car crashings every time we're in the car lately. i hope i'll feel better when he's bigger and less apt for instant death. scary, scary thoughts. we live near an airport and have planes flying over us all day. i totally think one will crash on our house.

  29. @Mothers all over the world hi desi! our itinerary is really full of wedding events as far as i know, but i hope you don't mind if i keep your email on hand anyway, just in case we happen to make it to germany? my husband's family originates from germany, and i know he's a little eager to possibly make a small trip over there, if we have the chance.

  30. I cried reading this. You are such an amazing woman and mother, I can just tell. God bless you and your family :)x