phone call


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Today my ultrasound happened upon one tiny follicle. It was so tiny, in fact, that the doctor avoided talking about it. It's possible he was saving face from his embarrassing three follicle miscalculation the other day. But it's even more possible that its size was too small to ever amount to any significance. It's the estrogen that matters, he said. He'd call me later with the estrogen results.

I go home to a regular day. I rummage cabinets for Carter's picky eating habits. I'm pricked with IVF shots. I search under couches and in bags for a missing Toby the Tram. I assemble cups and pour milks. I finally get the phone call with major medical news about my family's future. I read Carter a book and bargain him into a nap. I tote him to humid playgrounds. Change sogging diapers. Wipe toddler tears when I sip my coke and refuse to share the cup.

At night, sitting in the silence, I can now process my thoughts about that phone call. My estrogen went up a little, but it's still incredibly unresponsive. I was told we have to cancel this cycle.

I am okay. I quietly told myself this, because the doctor didn't seem to care.

Here's where I get complicated. I feel guilty for feeling sad about this fail. When we were devastating ourselves over the need to have Carter, I said repeatedly to the sky above, Please, just let us have one, and I'll never want anything more in my life.

And then I was given my one.

I'm supposed to be putting every fiber of my being into loving and raising him - because I said I would. Worrying about shots and diverting dreams to a little being that isn't Carter has had me tinkering with a kind of awful feeling in the back of my heart. While it's true that I want this sibling to help fulfill Carter's life, I'd be lying if I didn't say I want it for myself, too.

There's still hope; we plan to move forward next month with another IVF cycle or two until we've exhausted our insurance benefits. But for now, my conscience is relieved to shift my focus back into the simplicity and oblivion that radiates around my ever-deserving, miraculous son.

I know, in time, that oblivion will absorb my sadness.

33 comments:

  1. Don't feel guilty, it's only natural that you would want to have another child, and give Carter a sibling. I'm crossing everything that you get another little miracle. I really think you will :). Hang in there xo

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  2. I'm so sorry things didn't work out for you this time. I may be a complete stranger to you, but i've been watching your videos since I was pregnant with my son and I always leave your blog and youtube videos inspired in some way. I feel like I owe you something in return. Sadly all I have to offer, are prayers and positive thoughts that next cycle will be a better one and that you get your wish of a sibling for Carter.

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  3. Oh :( Poor girl! I'm so so sorry. I feel for you, you have an amazing way of putting your feelings into words. After all of this blogging, I think you should consider writing a book.

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  4. I'm so sorry love, I know its pretty hard...not even taking into account the want for a second one....but trying to be (and being) totally content with the precious one that the Heavens did send you, if indeed, that is all you get. I hear ya hun. Its bitter sweet. All my love and hugs

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  5. Sending you lots of hugs! Sorry things didn't work out this time, hoping for the best next time! I can't really imagine how you are feeling, maybe only a teeny bit, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 4 months and already it seems like an eternity, and I am filled with sadness/disappointment every time it's not happened for us. I can't imagine going through the struggle that you have been going through. I can say that you are definitely an amazingly strong woman, and are such an inspiration to me and I know many others! <3 Continuing prayers for you and your family!

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  6. I've been following your blog for a while. I just want to tell you that you should never feel guilty for wanting another baby, whether it be for Carter or yourself or for Matt. How could you possibly have known the love you'd feel for Carter? How could you have possibly have known that that love would be so strong, that all you would want for him is to have a sibling to grow up with? How could you have known that your love for this little miracle would supersede any and all thoughts you ever had about your life? You couldn't. You are exactly where you should be, doing exactly what you need to do, always. Never doubt that. Good luck, Meghann...your family DESERVES this!

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  7. Love your beautiful writing and always honest heart, thanks for sharing the good and the bad and being so authentic. So sorry this is such a battle.

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  8. I wish I had more to say but I am so sorry Meghann. Your story brings me to tears every time and I hope in time you will get your happy ending and that Carter will be blessed with a sibling!

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  9. awww, I dont know if I have any words that can make you feel better. But know that there are so many people (friends, family, followers) that are keeping you and your lovely family in our prayers.

    Keep positive, everything happens for a reason, we may just not know that reason yet.

    [sweet life of a southern wife]

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  10. You are a wonderful mother...I believe in time God will bless Carter with a sibling, and you with another child to love with all of your heart and soul!

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  11. Wow you're an amazing writer. I hope you get the baby you still desire!
    Lately I have felt so down with doctors starting to tell us that we probably will never have biological children although IVF may still be a possibility. I'm glad you never gave up (& now you have Carter).
    You give me hope to keep going when all I want to do is quit. I hope God grants you the strength to deal with all of this again. Don't defeat yourself prematurely you aren't at the end yet so give it a fair chance. And maybe it is God who put the seed of desire in your heart so that you could begin to prepare for your next miracle. =)
    Thank you for sharing and stay strong through your struggles!

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  12. DON'T STOP BELIEVING!!!
    To know you want it for YOURSELF too, not just for Carter is getting in touch with YOUR HEART'S DESIRE. You are born to LIVE your HEART'S DESIRES. It's but NATURAL for you to "want more" in your life.... And God didn't put any desire in your heart without the means to attain it. So: keep believing in the dreams of your heart, they are your sacred signposts in your life that show you that you are heading in the "right direction". FOLLOW the guidance of your heart, it is ABOVE anything else that others might try to convince you is "the right thing/choice", rational or even realistic!...
    For: "The heart has reasons which reason knows nothing of."
    - Blaise Pascal
    For me personally: When you know the Power of Love, nothing is impossible, and to BELIEVE IN MIRACLES is but the most REALISTIC approach once you truly grasp the miracle of Life!
    Meghan: I BELIEVE IN YOU!
    Much Love, Eline.

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  13. @Glitterbug thank you! your positive thoughts are all i need, i really appreciate them!

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  14. @Lindsay Hodge this blog post does read kinda like it came out of a book ... i don't know why i write that way haha

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  15. @Alyssa Rae thanks alyssa! it is a confusing feeling, being sad but feeling grateful too

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  16. @Melissa and Brew thanks melissa! i hope it happens for you soon! i know that feeling of staring at negative preg tests all too well

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  17. @April Murray thanks april! reading your reassurance feels really nice, you have a great way with words

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  18. @Emily Kate thank you, emily. sometimes it's a little embarrassing to be open about my feelings, but it's easy to write, so i just do it anyway :)

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  19. @Southern Wifey you're definitely right - everything does happen for a reason, although we don't know it yet. i'm a firm believer in that. xoxo

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  20. @Jet we were told we wouldn't have one either, they even handed us brochures on becoming foster parents before we started IVF ... so despite what your doctors tell you, keep pushing for what YOU want, no matter the statistics. i think that going through this with carter has given me the strength enough to do it a hundred more times, i'm definitely ready for more shots :)

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  21. My heart goes out to you during this time. I am sending you such warm wishes and crossing my fingers that soon, very soon, you hear the news you want to hear more than anything else.

    Don't stop hoping and believing. This clearly means so much to you and I think sometimes it's that glimmer of hope that makes all the difference. My thoughts are with you!

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  22. The heart wants what the heart wants...don't feel bad about it.

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  23. I just wanted to let your know that you are BEAUTIFUL ! :)

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  24. I'm sorry you are going through this but please don't put children with red hair down just so you can make a joke. I mean, would you like someone pointing out and ridiculing you're child for having large funny looking ears? No? Then how about not writing nasty jokes about red heads. Its offense and uncalled for.

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  25. @Anonymous hi, thanks for your comment & expressing your honest feelings about what i wrote. i know there are a lot of ppl who might read, not like something i say, but not comment.
    my feeling was that "red-headed stepchild" is a very common expression. i didn't direct it towards a specific child & so i didn't really think it'd be seen as offensive. As for the ears, I admire your comparison. If someone wrote "ugly like a child with big ears," I would not be offended. I would be upset though, if something mean was said about carter directly.
    But I do apologize - I am sorry if I came across as rude or ignorant about red haired children.

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  26. Here is the definition:

    Red Headed Stepchild

    A term that originated out of the common mistreatment and social ostracism of redheaded individuals (gingers). A redheaded individual born into(legitamately or not), or adopted into a family of non-redheads was typically subject to physical and emotional abuse, and usually short handed when it came to financial matters in the family, such as the estate or any savings the family had acquired. Today, the term can be applied to an individual or group of individuals who are outcasts, or are typically dealt the worst hand in society.

    So not only are you saying its shameful to have a red-headed child you are also making a mokery of child abuse.

    I know you wrote it with no intentions of making a mokery directly of either, it was more a joke and a something u didn't give much thought but thats just it, isn't it? Writing something without thought or regard for others. It was offensive, I hope you aren't going to bring carter up to be direspectful and make a mokery of other children with red hair?

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