pushing limits


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So. I practically did backflips out of the fertility clinic today, scrambling for my phone and shifting into the mindset that I had amazing news to share. Yep, my brain was practically pregnant, I just had to wait for the belly part to catch up.

But I just got off the phone with a doctor, who told me that based on blood results, things are actually the opposite of amazing.

I'll start from the beginning of the day. This morning I went to have the first ultrasound where we get a look at how my ovaries are responding to the shots. I was floored watching the doctor, as he casually measured three, beautifully round follicles. THREE?! My eyes welled up. I couldn't believe there was a single one, let alone three. I was so proud of my little body.

The doctor snapped off his gloves and told me that, compared to my cycle two years ago, we had a night and day situation. He said I was impressively way ahead of schedule and could possibly be preparing for the egg retrieval this weekend. He bet that my eggs would easily create embryos, since - 1. I'm young (29, twice) and 2. I had one single egg that created Carter.

I went to have my blood taken for an estrogen measurement before I floated on fluffy clouds out of the office. Next week I'll probably be pregnant.

I reported to Matt and my mom, then I took Carter out on a little lunch date to celebrate.

An hour ago, the same doctor called me, his voice saturated in complete, apologetic tone. Based on my super low estrogen level results, it's as if my body hasn't responded to the drugs. Like, at all. He said that, with estrogen like this, there was no way what we'd seen this morning were follicles. They're cysts. Very happily growing, deceptive, fluid-filled cysts. By this point, I started to actually process what he was apologizing for - There were zero follicles.

Listening to him, I felt eerily amused. Maybe because I've conquered this monster of disappointment before, and now I've mastered the art of shrugging the monster off. I drifted off to a numbness devised by knowledge that I've had worse news. And many times, at that. He continued with explanations, and my mind kept whispering the phrase Of course. Of course.

Of course.

My case is always puzzling doctors. I hate that they attempt apologies, and I have to do the reassuring, because I'm used to fertility failures. He went on to tell me I really should count my blessings, that it's unbelievable Carter exists. Believe me, I'm the last person you need to say that to. I feel completely humbled even requesting that the universe gift us with another child. I have no functioning reproductive parts.

I was offered two options:
1. We can quit this cycle altogether and try again another month, with the possibility that my ovaries would respond differently.
2. We can double the medication to an unheard of dosage, shoot a hail mary, and see if a follicle shows its face in another ultrasound on Friday morning.

I chose the second option, even though it means squandering the $300 we spent on meds. When I hung up the phone, my pokerface fell to the floor, and emotion hit me pretty hard. It looks like we can't have another baby. Then I looked down at Carter's face, playing alone, obliviously with his trains, and it hit even harder. I feel downright mad on his behalf.

My doctors in Pennsylvania had warned us that as time passed, my ovaries would be less apt to respond, and they were right. A lot of women wait until their late twenties and early thirties to have a baby. My husband pushed for us to start trying early, and had he settled for me to let one single day more pass, my body may not have been able to produce Carter's egg. When I think of that, I feel time stand still and the room spin around me.

Husbands were meant to win some battles. I love my husband.

I can't sit and explore this anymore tonight, because my mind's exhausted itself with highs and lows today. As I stand now, my feeling is this: You can't have everything in life. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try anyway.

51 comments:

  1. Meghann, I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. To go from such a high, to such a low. You are a strong, beautiful woman. And all you have to do is look at Carter. Miracles do happen. And they CAN happen twice. Stay positive. <3

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  2. Meghann you're such an incredibly strong women and this is just a minor set back in the over all goal to give Carter a brother or a sister. I dont think that this is a reason to throw in the towel at all but fight harder for what you want. You fought for Carter and you can fight for #2.. Remember we all have your back. I'll keep praying :)

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  3. Meghann...I read your blog all the time and just wanted to tell you I am praying for you and your family. You are an amazing person and deserve only the best. What's meant to be will be.
    -Shamarie

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  4. You are so brave to share all of this and push through. You are an inspiration and blessing to us all!!!

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  5. I almost cried reading this. It is so unfair that this is happening to you. I am really in awe of your decision to carry on, knowing full well the effects the fertility meds have on your body with sickness etc just so Carter doesn't grow up alone. But I can totally understand your need to try when you see him playing all by himself. I'm praying for you (and i'm not usually that way inclined) that something amazing happens with your body and you produce a follicle with a healthy egg. I also pray that if this doesn't happen for you this time, next will be better. After all, they do say that cysts are formed when an egg tries to pop out but doesn't quite make it....perhaps a little longer will encourage one more to try. I'm hoping so hard that this will happen for you. Sending cyber hugs to you x

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  6. I read your blog religiously. I too battle with infertility.We tried for my daughter for 4.5 years and Dr's were SOOO certain....she was my only one...and that without infertility treatment, I could not have another....well, last year...around June...I found out I was pregnant with our son.....(6 years later after our first)......I was reading your blog a little bit ago......and only read the first half, I was in tears....for joy.....so I prayed for you....then, I read the remaining part .......and I cried for you...and said a prayer.I have no idea who you are...but I have been in your shoes. I know the pain...I know the mixed emotions! You may think that there is nothing more you can do....but I know a God that put the stars in the SKY...and gave breathe to that adorable Carter..in you....and I believe He can work miracles in our lives...that even Dr's can't explain. Praying for you.

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  7. I am so sorry Meghann.. You are so inspiring and strong. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I hope with all my might that you get what you want and deserve <3

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  8. Try and stay positive Meghann! I know it must be hard but as you said your body overcame so many obstacles to have Carter and may do so again. If you try and fail then at least you will have tried. My heart is with you - I see a lot of myself in you and wish you were a friend of mine in 'real-life' x Gillian (Scotland) xx

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  9. It's so heart breaking as you are both so lovely and are great parents to Carter, I really hope you get what you wish for soon x x

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  10. Meghann, you are the greatest mom any little boy could ask for. Its amazing that you are going through all of this for another little one, and Im thinking of you and praying that you guys will be blessed with a pregnancy soon! You are right when you said you should try for the things you want in life, even if it doesnt work out. Stay strong <3

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  11. My heart and compassion go out to you greatly friend. I pray that just as God blessed your family with Carter that God would bless you with another mighty miracle. I truly cannot imagine having to get shots everyday and tests etc. Exhausting to say the least I'm sure. Praying for extra strength for you, extra peace, extra endurance for this road ahead. xo

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  12. I have to admit that I've been a loyal follower since I found you on youtube when you were pregnant with Carter and I was pregnant with my daughter. I feel terrible for you. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I do echo all of the sentiments above...I'll be praying for that hail mary pass to work and for you to share wonderful news with us all on Friday.

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  13. stay strong beautiful stay strong .. i was told I could never have a baby and along comes Dylan I am too told I ll never have another but I am not going to stop trying. x

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  14. HI Meghann. I have been following your vlogs and blog for awhile now, you do an amazing job! I love checking in and seeing how your precious little man is doing, thank you for sharing. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now w/the IVF process, it breaks my heart just thinking about it. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and your family and I hope that good news will come your way very soon! Your such a sweet person and a wonderful mother. Any child would be blessed to have you for a mother :) Positive vibes and prayers coming your way! Take care :)

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  15. I read your blog all the time and just wanted to say your strength and selflessness are so inspirational. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers--I hope your next ultrasound is a happy one. -Caroline

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  16. I wish you all the luck in the world with getting pregnant. Keep up your spirits, you're an inspiration

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  17. Like everyone else has said, I can't even imagine going through anything like that, I wish I had a fraction of the strength that you have. I really hope for the best for you and Matt.
    I know it is completely unprofessional to ask this in a comment, but I can't find your e-mail address anywhere. I was hoping you would help spread the word about my blog. I am trying to raise money to cover the gap in my college tuition, I have tried everything else. My name at the top of the comment is linked to it. Its a little barren right now, I just started it the other day.
    Thank you for anything you do(if you choose to help) and all the well wishes in the world to you and your family.
    --Samantha

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  18. You are such an amazing women.
    I will be thinking of you and your beautiful family.

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  19. You are an amazingly strong person. I cried reading this post contemplating the pain you must be experiencing. You and your family are in my thoughts. I sincerely hope that your prayers are answered!

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  20. I cried reading this. Miracles do happen, and I'm so glad you've decided to keep trying for another one. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
    ~Chelsea

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  21. Meghann, stay strong and like another poster said, miracles do happen. I know you're reminded of this every day when you look at beautiful Carter. Reading this post made me appreciate my current pregnancy and reminded me to never take anything for granted. I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers! Thanks for sharing your life openly with us and giving us inspiration.

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  22. Meghann, I promise you, what's meant to happen will happen! Stay positive, there may be a miracle on the horizon for you. And if not, know that that's okay, too. You are so strong, you can handle anything life throws your way:) I pray that you will find strength and encouragement. Best of luck to you, Matt, and Carter!

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  23. Oh my gosh Meghann, I'm so sorry! I hope that things start to turn in your favor very soon. I'm praying that your body starts responding positively to the drugs and that another baby is possible!!! I know that no matter what happens, you'll pull through because you're so incredibly strong. Good luck and best wishes.

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  24. I can't imagine the disappointment especially after the initial getting your hopes up. I'm thinking of/praying for you, best wishes on your next go-round, I so hope you get your next miracle! <3

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  25. I am so sorry, my heart is just breaking for you. You are such a good person & mother you deserve all the children you want. I'll pray for you and Matt.


    xo

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  26. You are such an incredibly courageous woman. My prayers are with you through this time, that you continue to be. I think it is amazing that you are going for the hail mary, taking a chance and believing in possibility. You are blessed in so many ways!!!

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  27. I would have gone with choice #2 too. Get whatever you can out of this cycle you already started.....bring on the drugs. I wish you the best of luck!

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  28. i'm so sorry to hear that Meghann! I'm so glad you are not giving up. Always remember that if God put you to it, He'll get you through it!!


    www.talesofayounghousewife.blogspot.com

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  29. Wow, I can't even imagine what you are going through. But keep your head up!

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  30. Oh the love hate relationship with those needles?! Hang in there - I understand all too well the emotional roller coaster that is IVF! I also know the overwhelming joy that comes when you are granted the opportunity to create and carry life :) All the best as you push forward! XXOO

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  31. So sad for you but also hopeful... I will be thinking of you and your little family as you work though this time and praying that Friday just maybe there will be an egg.

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  32. Would you consider adoption?

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  33. Meghann,
    Ugh. It hurts me to know that someone so deserving, is having difficulty getting what she wants. I hate this for you. I am struggling to find words to comfort you in this situation. Mainly because I dont think there are any and I doubt they will help much. While I do not pray, you and your beautiful family are in my daily thoughts. If you can't sleep- you can always text me! You know Im up all night and I'm good for a laugh! Keep in touch. In the mean time, best wishes to you and Matt on this round and hugs to Carter. He's so grown =\ Dang! How time flies!

    Your friend,

    Jessica

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  34. Just as your day was unfortunately directed into an entirely different direction today for the worse, that doesn’t eliminate the possibility of a sudden and life changing turn for the better that will allow for the creation of your second child tomorrow.

    I’ve watched your vlogs on YT, just as I’ve read these blogs, and immediately I became inspired predominantly because you were very relatable in that you had a strong interest in Spanish just as I’m pursuing a double-major (one of the majors is Spanish). And of course, just because your topics and vlogs are interesting in general.

    However, I’m merely eighteen years old and though I’ve yet to experience the multitudes of wondrous experiences and moments that the process of life inevitably throws upon you for the optimal gain of wisdom , I figured I’d spend a couple of minutes to write to you as you do very often for us.

    Although time is what is unfortunately against you currently in regards to TTC, the solution to this struggle, as to many other problems that can invariably arise throughout the entirety of life, is time. As you continue, just repeat in your mind that there’s not a single thing worthy of possessing without a genuinely fought struggle and while this is of course the midst of a quite tiring and discouraging battle, the smile of your second child will be worth every foot you put forward in the fight. You know very well that your courage and strength is never truly tested when everything is smoothly making its appearance, but reciprocally when you find yourself fighting through the inevitable anxieties that can easily, but never successfully, add twenty pounds of pain to an already aching heart.

    There are always two sides to the coin; it’s sensible to be aware of the negative, but it’s just as integral to your wellbeing to allow the rosy side to bathe in your attention and to focus upon these incredible possibilities that lie ahead. Again, I know we’ve never spoken and of course I am merely a stranger to you, but seeing your tweet and reading your post encouraged me to reassure you that there is nothing more important to remember during troubling times than to never let what you can’t do interfere with what you can.

    And as for growing up alone, always know that Carter has undoubtedly been gifted with such incredible parents as he’s undeniably an immeasurable gift to you both in return. In that sense, he will never be alone. Hopefully your hope and confidence can be rekindled seeing as it’s only when you lose those virtues does the flame of any burning desire ever truly burn out.

    Again, I just wanted to wish you the best of luck to you and your family. I also would like to apologize for how lengthy this ended up being lol.

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  35. I wish you & your family much luck & happiness.. Just wondering, when you knew, & how you found out, you would have a hard time getting pregnant. Do you have a post about getting pregnant w/ Carter. You have a beautiful son, & you will be blessed w/ another child. Yes, I'd go w/ the 2nd one. Lots of luck to you.

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  36. My heart and prayers are with you Meghann. Thinking of you in the tough time. Keep your head up and trust in God. He has wonderful plans for you.

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  37. Meghann, my heart is breaking for you friend. I too would have chosen the second option. Fight for that baby, girl. If it doesnt work out, you have an amazing baby boy. You are so incredibly blessed. And I dont know how you feel about it, but have you considered adoption? My prayers and thoughts are with you. I pray that you can have your second baby.

    xoxoxo
    Jessica

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  38. Meghann, I follow your blog quite often and I hate you are having to go through this. I'll definitely keep you and your family in prayer. Stay strong Mama!

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  39. Love you Meghann! Things will definitely, definitely work out as they should.........Thinking of you and Matt and hoping for the best! :)

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  40. First I want to give you an apology yesterday when i saw that you tweeted that you had three follicles i sent you a congrats. It wasnt until tonight that i had to time to sit back down at my computer and read your blog. you are so strong and Carter is a very lucky little boy to have such an amazing mother. I hope all the best for you and will send up some prayers for you. Good luck.

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  41. @mandeeking746 thanks mandee :) we're definitely far from giving up

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  42. @Anonymous thank you, what an incredible story, and it seems like you have some extra powerful prayers, so i really appreciate them! xox

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  43. @Gillian thanks Gillian! i am definitely staying positive

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  44. @Casey Martinez thanks casey! it is exhausting, but it feels like the norm because we've gotten so used to it. i can't imagine how incredibly simple it would be to just have sex and POOF, a baby!

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  45. @Kristen thanks kristen. i love my youtube video watchers! xox

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  46. We must be thankful for all the miracles. I love the article keep it up

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