duped.


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I was thinking you might be curious about how our play date went last week. I tweeted the results, but kept thinking it needed explaining beyond 180 characters. I keep thinking about how incredibly duped I was.

Everything seemed pretty normal at first. She rolled up to the playground and ushered her two kids across the grass towards Carter and I. I squinted my eyes a little and tried to picture her as my good friend. I noticed she looked different than she had when I met her at the pool two days earlier. I dunno. Like pregnant.

Carter and her kids didn't play together, but she didn't notice or care - it became super obvious that her attention was directed exclusively at me and some intense conversation. She seemed eager to know my entire family history and how I felt about every part of it. The overt kindness felt funny. Possibly on the fake, condescending side. She filled me in on parts of her life, and would sporadically throw in phrases like, as the Lord would have it at the end of occasional sentences.

Red flag. Ok, not alarmingly red, but maybe a dark pink.

I'm not an UNreligious person, but I'm not the type of person who speaks this way in casual conversation, either. I shrugged it off each time and agreed with her, realizing that she and I wouldn't be picking out nail polish together anytime soon. The longer we talked, the more quickly every other sentence became as God would have it. I eventually got confirmation that she was pregnant with her third child. Which, without falter, led us straight into the sticky subject of fertility.

How many more do you want to have? I was predictably asked. Seriously, I felt like I was watching a third grade magic show. Rabbit, here's your hat.

By now I knew I was interviewing with a girl who was my polar opposite in the fertility game and who thought pretty hard about how the Lord would have it, so I picked out a long, obvious pause before I chose my answer. I wasn't about to debate my son's life on a playground.

I told her we'd had some fertility issues with Carter and were working on a second one with no luck. She kinda just blinked, not with much remorse, but more of a baffled stare out towards the slides. I could swear I caught a look of condescending amusement pursed in her lips and shakily edging up the corners of her mouth. How many do you want? I politely asked in rhythm with the conversation.

Whatever the Lord decides for us. 


I took in her half up/half down hairstyle, plain face and conservative summer clothes. She suddenly looked like someone. A Duggar! She looked like she fell right out of the TV screen from 19 Kids and Counting.

I don't know how she could see straight into my thoughts, but she said, We're not going to be like the Duggars, if that's what you're thinking. But we do want to see what the Lord has in store for us.


I offered a friendly laugh at what I thought was common knowledge, saying that the Duggars have way too many kids, and there's no way you can give each one all the emotional attention he or she deserves. She jumped quickly to their defense; she respected them, thought they did an incredible job with their kids, etc. She pointed to my foot and told me to put it in my mouth.

A few subjects later, things calmed a little. That's when I was casually pounced with What faith do you and your husband belong to? But our religions - had she even listened to my answer - didn't matter. On came and a solid, fifteen minute onpouring about how we should come visit her husband's weekly candle vigils, he's starting a church and wants to be an assistant pastor. I listened to the monologue and watched the fervent determination ebb and flow from her face during her seemingly rehearsed sales pitch. She hadn't come that day to make a friend.

I should have known.

Later that afternoon, after painless goodbyes, a Starbucks run and tucking Carter for a nap, I thought about what had actually gone down. I realized I'd been groomed. The playdate wasn't for Carter and her kids' friendship. It wasn't even for a mommy friendship. It was to get me to join their soon-to-be established church. The more I went over it, the more it all clicked into place. She'd asked if we've found a pediatrician and dentist since the move to see how settled we were - probably to see if we needed a church. The intent of the intense life history discussion was to make the religion subject come off as normal instead of invasive and pushy. She'd asked about the size of our house to find out if I'd have money to comfortably support her husband's church, curious if I was worth further pursuit. She'd woken up that morning and said to herself something along the lines of, I'm going to sacrifice two hours of my morning and devote them to the Lord and get this girl to support my church and help provide my family's income.


I feel used and a little hurt about the whole ordeal. She casually talked about making plans again next week, but wasn't ready to commit to anything definite. It's as if pretending to be my friend is a hard pill to swallow. It's like she needs to keep me strung along until some kind of church commitment is reached.

Anyway, I realize what I've just written may be a little borderline controversial in the religious respect. Just know that it's not written with the purpose to offend anyone's beliefs. I was surprised at how someone could use something as innocent as a play date purely for alternative purposes. What nerve.

34 comments:

  1. I shook my head throughout this entire post. People never cease to amaze me. I don't mean to pass judgement or anything, but how could she think she was doing the Lord's work? The whole scenario just seems so deceptive!

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  2. I feel so bad that you were so excited to have a playdate and she made it so horrible! I love your reading your blog and watching you YouTube videos, and I wish we lived closer so we could have playdates! I promise I wouldn't try to sell you on my religious beliefs lol. I have a daughter who is 19 months old, and, from what I know about you, we seem like we would get along so well! Hopefully the search for a friend for Carter will soon end! I know how hard it is to find a toddler around the same age as your own, who comes with a mother who you actually can be friends with. Good luck!

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  3. You are a good person for not leaving in the middle of this "playdate".

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  4. So sorry your play date went sour. I'm sure she probably meant well. Eh, I'm sure you'll find another momma that you mesh well with! <3 Good luck!

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  5. I'm so sorry this playdate went so terribly. I can't imagine being on your side of the conversation. Yikes. I would set up playdates with you if we lived closer! *hugs*

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  6. These types of people make my skin crawl. I agree, that you did a great job by just sticking it out and not being rude. That one thing about living in the States that I do not envy (aside from your healthcare) is your myriad of self-interested, pompous religious fanatics. It's pretty scary! Fingers crossed you find some nice people in your neighborhood xx

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  7. I'm sorry your play date wasn't what it was actually intended for, for carter to play and for you to find a fellow mommy friend. For a controversial subject though you delivered it eloquently

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  8. Oh Geez!!!! Sorry to hear things didn't go better....I'm sure you'll make some new friends when you least expect it ;)....that has always been my experience! I would totally go shopping for nail polish with you...if we even lived in the same country ;)

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  9. pushing religion is one thing i cant stand. I grew up in a home where religion was pushed very hard and 6 of the 8 fell away from the church.
    i dunno i just bugs me SO bad.
    Sorry this happened. some people can be so ignorant.

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  10. I am sorry your playdate didn't go well! That is very discouraging! She should have just been your friend! I hope your realize that not all people who love the Lord are like that! Maybe she needs to dig in the Bible more and see that God just loves people. She lost of very chance at a meaningful relationship! If we Lived near each other, I am sure we would get along great, I am a girly girl and I have a boy who is 15 months old! I just want to say I am sorry that happened. It's not right! I hope you find a great momma friend and playmate for carter soon!

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  11. Sorry the play date was a bust. Talking about scripture, going out into the community and volunteering and helping those in need..that is doing the Lord's work. Even I know that and I'm with you on the not being "unreligious." Overall, I'd say you handled the whole ordeal like a lady. =)

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  12. Sorry to hear that your play date was a scam. After reading that you had plans for a play date I worked up the guts to search for a mommy group/play date. I found a really great group on meetup.com (i just searched "mom" "sahm" "playdate" etc) and I attended my very first mommy/ baby get together this am and it was a lot of fun! So Thank You for giving me the courage to put myself out there a little more! I hope you find a great friend and playmate for both you and Carter!

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  13. Yikes, I cringed the entire time I read this. You were closer in your Duggar comparison than you realized, I think. I think a lot of people who leave family planning up to fate or whatever are perfectly nice, but the people who literally believe what the Duggars believe think that lots of children are literally a reward for believing the right stuff/behaving the right way/being Godly. Hence the smirk - she was probably thinking, "Well, having babies won't be a problem if I drag you to my church!" Ugh. I don't even have any kids yet and I wish I could hang out with you on a playdate - I'm sure you will find a lovely, non-extreme person soon! *Cloud

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  14. If I lived near you, I could show you what a real date, play date that is, is all about! But seriously, WTH(eck). I commend you for staying the whole time. That was ver Godly of you (hee, hee)! I've been following you (silently) for a LONG time. Never posted a comment, but I had to comment to this post. I love you blog, too!

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  15. I was wondering how that went for you! Sorry she ended up just trying to use you-how awful! You are an awesome girl, you will for sure find a fellow mama to hang with soon!

    talesofayounghousewife.blogspot.com

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  16. Oh geez. People like that seriously irk me. Im sorry your playdate wasnt more what you had hoped for. xoxo

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  17. Wow. Just... wow. It's too bad that your play date didn't go as planned, but I have some serious respect for the way you handled things.

    Love your blog, I've been following it for a long time! :)

    ohgoshlena.blogspot.com

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  18. I'm a spiritual person myself, but would NEVER ever EVER push my beliefs onto someone else like that. The whole thing just seems devious!

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  19. I'm sorry your play-date was crappy. I will say that I am a Christian & attend church and Bible study regularly. Having said that, I am not a freak either who tries to push my religion on people. However it is important to spread the gospel. I believe her intentions were good, she just comes off creepy and gives Christians a bad rap. I don't think I would even like to hang out with that chick. Especially after the "foot in mouth" comment. Also, I am not a fan of the Duggar's. They can't possibly give every single child the attention they need/deserve.

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  20. I went on a "playdate" once for my dog (before I had my daughter!) and the seemingly nice woman pitched me Amway! I was so excited to possibly find a great friend- and she wanted to sell me health products! Ugh! I feel your pain...

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  21. Every time I hear about that Duggar woman having another child, I want to punch her in the face. That whole situation seems so creepy to me.

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  22. This kind of made me chuckle. We often poke fun at my husband's brother because he tends to push religion with people at times. That can be problem with people who are very involved in their faith- they push. Sometimes it is outright obvious and other times it is an attempted sneak attack. Either way...it is pretty darn uncomfortable. Cheers to you for making it through.

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  23. You poor thing! I wish we lived closer - I would totally pick out nail polish with you! :)

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  24. The way you described your "play" date is exactly how I would have seen it if I was in your shoes. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when their true agendas start to peek through, it's such a disappointment. I'm sorry that it turned out to be a bust. Had we lived in the same state, I would've loved for Carter and my boy to hang out! They could play at the park while I showed you the new OPI "Touring America" nail polish collection I just got! And you could show me one of your newest, cute dresses :)

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  25. I hate when they approach people like that. Sorry that you had to go through that. I wouldn't see this woman anymore ;) xx

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  26. @India

    Wow. What's super creepy is why you think you have a right to punch someone in the face. What business is it of yours? Are they asking you to support their children in any way? It's people like you that need to be punched in the face.

    Meghann, you're a much bigger person than me for staying, I can tell you that much. I would have walked away. I hate people like this. I'm not a religious person myself but I understand that not everyone that is wants to brainwash you. It's people like this that give religious people a bad name. I'm pretty sure you and Carter will make friends soon! You're both awesome! =]

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  27. I've been keeping up with your blog but haven't commented yet ...until now :)
    What a biache!!!!
    I'm sorry for you - I'm glad you are taking it with a grain of salt ...people like that ...UGH!!!
    What nerve ...I can't believe what a holes people can be -
    Your babe is adorable ...So cute -

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  28. I guess my prayer for her is that she would learn what God's love really looks like. It sounds like in her mind she thinks she is doing her "outreach" stuff right but, she is missing the greatest mark of all and that is simply to love and build bridges. I can only imagine how awkward that must have been. I would have had to come up with an excuse to leave quickly. UG. I hope you don't have to run into her again!

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  29. I am so sorry your play date didn't work out as well you had hoped. You had intentions on meeting a mom you could connect with, while she was looking for someone to fill her needs. While it stinks that things happened this way, it is great that you were able to see it after only one playdate. You learned from the experience, and can use this in future play dates.
    I found myself in a similar situation after moving across the country for my husband. I didn't have the best co-workers, and since I didn't go to college or have kids it was really hard to meet new friends. I had a "friend" come into my life, and even though I was the one who was always accommodating her needs I stuck with it, one girlfriend is better than none, right? A year into this "friendship" I realized how bad things were, and that it had been that way from the beginning, and I feel bad for putting up with it!
    You will find friends and fellow mommies that you can connect with, it just wasn't meant to be this time. You are an amazing person, and you deserve to be surrounded with people that appreciate you for who you are, and not what you can do for them.

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  30. I found you on Youtube a couple of weeks ago, and have slowly been acquainting myself with you and Carter. I found your blog, and just have to say that I apologize for that woman's behavior. I have a 10 and 11 year old, and I was unsuccessful in finding a close friend with children their age. It really did and still does suck not having a girlfriend to share with.

    I really wish you, Carter and your husband the very best. I hope that you can fulfill your dream of providing a sibling for your precious little one. Fertility is something that I've always taken for granted and your story has made me stop and think about all the things that I am grateful for.

    Take care, and know that you do inspire many strangers out there.

    Love from Seattle.

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  31. ah man, sorry it was such a bust! what a weirdo :(

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  32. Boooo! She's LAME! I give you credit for even staying! That situation = rude playground behavior. I would have high tailed it outta there! I am terribly sorry she made you feel this way. I have felt a similar way before and it isn't nice.
    Sings: It's almost Carterrrs birrrthdaaay!
    I hope all is well!
    I miss you, friend!
    Jessica
    Xx

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  33. Well done you for staying on ! Love the Youtube stuff by the way.

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  34. Holy crap. That is beyond bizarre. And OMG - I cannot stand people like that! They crawl all over me!!! I can't believe you stayed even for that long. And no be going through IF, I did as well, and there was nothing more hurtful than to have some preggo prancing around like she can get pregnant any day b/c of God's way, while you are stuggling. UUUGGHGHHHH.

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