not today


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Hello out there to anyone still checking on this deserted page. I've run through I hundred ways to write an explanation in my head, and I still don't have any crafty words for you. Just the truth.

I haven't been feeling myself lately. I can't pinpoint an exact reason; nothing is wrong. The baby's cute as ever. House is beautiful. Husband, loving. For about two weeks I had an unpurposeful, painful, sinking feeling in my heart that I couldn't talk myself out of.

I avoid trying to explain this to anyone, because unless you've felt it, it sounds like what it is - crazy. Depression? Anxiety? Panic? I don't know. But it was definitely something heavy, and I couldn't stand it.

I could have sat and written some fairly dark-sided stuff, but I decided to just leave the page blank and do whatever people did before there was internet. When I considered opening my computer to write, I kept having the same thought.

Not today.

That's been my answer for a lot of things. Sometimes I feel like I drowned in my own quest for perfection and was thrown into a complete loss for words. When I thought about writing, it felt so trivial and inadequate. It got to the point where every day things, like cooking Carter breakfast, overwhelmed me.

Maybe this is the fate of stay at home moms after two years. Maybe it's just a wave that crashed on me, and some fabulous peak is on its way. It could be that the excitement of building a new house wore off, there might not be anymore babies, and I'm faced with the monotonous thought, So, this is it.

But, whatever the purpose of this blog, I owe its readers that explanation. I've written for more than two years.

My son is too cute to hide in the shadows of the internet.

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56 comments:

  1. You are so not alone girl! And I've only been a stay at home mom for 9 months. I have the same feelings sometimes. You are completely normal. Take a break from writing if that's what you need, your loyal followers will wait! :)

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  2. I'm so sorry you felt like that! Thats terrible. I have felt like that in different aspects of my life. Oh I hope that feeling leaves you!!! ;-( I have been one
    of those long time followers :-). Your so very sweet to share this with us. You really owe no explanation! Make yourself happy! Do what YOU want and it will all come to you again. xo

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  3. i call it a rut :( i hope you hop out of it soon!

    i don't comment very often, but i enjoy reading your blog :)

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  4. Before I even finished reading I thought, it's probably because you spent so many months watching your house get built, basking in excitement and ideas over decorating it, what your life would be like in it, then the fertility treatment excitement and fears of not having more babies. You've had a lot of emotions running through you. Maybe you just feel a little emotionally drained and empty right now. My friend once told me, it's okay to feel depressed if you can pinpoint some reasons (like stated above) but if you feel like that for no reason whatsoever, then consider it an issue that needs your attention. I think you've been through a lot and you need to recharge those emotional batteries. That is how I would analyze myself. I used to go through weeks where I didn't get out of bed or off the couch, not out of fatigue, but out of the lack of caring about anything. Then one day I'd wake up 2 weeks later and I didn't feel so empty anymore, and each day it got better.

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  5. I'm so sorry. Hang in there sweet girl.

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  6. Not today… but maybe some other day.
    a warm hug from Belgium

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  7. I completely understand that feeling. I've felt similar myself and it isn't nice.
    Be sure to talk to your husband (which i'm sure you have) and don't keep it all bottled up and it will pass. These things always do. I hope you are soon feeling much better.
    I look at you as someone who is already a pretty perfect wife, mother and housewife, which is really tough at times, yet you seem to manage it all effortlessly. Please don't give yourself a hard time. Everyone is entitled to dark days Meghann. Nobody can judge you for that xx

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  8. Hi meghann, from Australia!!!
    My kids are nearly 13 and nearly 8, few weeks back I hit the wall, with darkness!
    In feel you I understand what your saying!
    But I find reading your blog, so so inspirational!
    Hold your head high girl and hug your baby boy!!!
    Keep writing!!!

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  9. Hi meghann, from Australia!!!
    My kids are nearly 13 and nearly 8, few weeks back I hit the wall, with darkness!
    In feel you I understand what your saying!
    But I find reading your blog, so so inspirational!
    Hold your head high girl and hug your baby boy!!!
    Keep writing!!!

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  10. You're very strong for sharing this with us. Sometimes writing it out helps alleviate some of the confusion. I hope this feeling passes quickly! If it doesn't, please don't be afraid to get help... In the meantime, we're all here.

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  11. You definitely don't sound crazy. I have felt like that many times, and everyone is entitled to their own days or weeks of feeling down. Sometimes life just catches up all at once and it's overwhelming. If you feel like you need a break, your readers will still be here when you get back :) Feel better soon <3

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  12. I felt like you were writing about me...but with different circumstances - its hard to look at all of the positive things and potential your life holds, when you feel stuck...I get it!

    I find your words inspirational - I hope you continue to write here... whenever the mood strikes...

    From Canada with Love... JN

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  13. Love and support from Portland, OR. You have a right to take time to yourself. All the previous comments are right... You have been through a lot. It takes time to process, and time you don't necessarily have when you are raising a two year old. Thank you for sharing.

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  14. HUG!! At one time or another we all feel that way. Hang in there.

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  15. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I feel that way a lot about blogging including today!

    Hope you feel more like yourself soon!

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  16. Take the time you need to find yourself again. Remember that you've got the love and support from your friends and family, and a community of readers behind you. May just be the winter blues, which should pass soon. Hang in there, pretty mama :)

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  17. Huni, I hope things pick up for you again soon. I see many readers here are still right behind you and love readin your blog still. Your a great mum and a lovely person and I really wish you happiness in life <3

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  18. Hi Meghann, I am not sure where you stand with your faith, but being a Christian, I only want to remind you of God's great love for you in hopes that you will find some solace there. You know how deeply you love your precious boy and to think that God loves you infinitely more than that is so hard to take in, but He does. You have been through so much lately with a new house, relocating and fertility issues. It's too much for you to handle alone, but with God you can do anything. I'm praying the darkness clears soon for you. You are a beautiful and amazing person with an incredible heart to share your thoughts the way you do. God bless you and yours!

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  19. It's very obvious from your videos and posts that you are so very caring and kind, not to mention hugely inspirational. The fact that you even wrote this post goes to show that you are relatable- everyone has ups and downs. This makes us appreciate your blog even more. You are the type of person anyone would be lucky to have as a friend and you are clearly doing a wonderful job as a mom. I am sorry you have been feeling under the weather. I don't have kids of my own yet, but I know that every once and a while (no matter who you are or where you are at in life), everyone feels like this. You have had a busy last few years and have been through more than many people go through in a lifetime. Give yourself some much needed credit for an amazing job well done. A big hug from Canada and don't worry about your blog (as much as we'd miss ya!)- take some time for yourself.

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  20. Oh girl. I wonder if this happens to all sahms. Hang in there and remember that we're all here for you. Take some time to reevaluate and enjoy what you've got going on now. You'll come back when it's time, when things are better. oxxo

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  21. It's amazing that you are so dedicated to your readers that you were brave enough to share this with us. I haven't been there, yet, but my mom went through it as SAHM and I feel like it's normal. Hope you find the way back to yourself. ((hugs))

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  22. I am a stay at home mom with a two year old and I can really relate. I feel bad for feeling this way sometime. You are not alone that's for sure. I think it's phases of a SAHM...ugh I just really try to change my perception, but do get stuck for weeks sometime. Thanks for sharing, Meghann.

    Deanna

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  23. Bless your heart... Thanks for being so honest. This to shall pass. You could have a little bit of seasonal depression.. Life is not easy and when you are a perfectionist; most people that are would rather do nothing unless they can do it perfect... Hang in there.. Your post has probably helped someone else out.

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  24. Hi sweetie! I can totally relate, and I find it really inspriring reading these comments and it seems like everyone goes through similar feelings. You are not alone. I seem to feel in such a "blah" in the winter... lack of sunshine, outdoor activity. Take care I hope you on the verge of an upswing!
    Kim

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  25. Hi Meghann,,,Hugs From Ireland...xx

    I am a sahm of two beautiful boys 11 & 2 & I have followed you since your pregnancy with Carter. You always put a smile on my face & helped me out. love how your so honest.I know how you feel cause I have being there myself it happens to the best of us at times. I hope your back to your bubbly self soon (((hugs)))

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  26. Hope this feeling passes soon. Thinking of you all the way from South Bend, IN.

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  27. Hi Meghann... Hi from Brisbane Australia! I have been following you for 2 years now and truly apprecaite your honesty, kindness, warmth and the amazing way you show your love for your husband and son. Your writing is amazing and you are inspirational! I was a SAHM and when my daughter was about 15 months old, I had a dreadful dark cloud that started to hang over me... I had spent so much time focussing on my daughter, trying to be the perfect wife and mother and had forgotten about me. I was miserable and didn't know what to do... In the end I decided I needed to find myself again and to get back into the adult world (so to speak). After a lot of agonising I decided to go back to work. At first I thought I was a terrible, selfish person for even thinking about work - after all, I thought I had always wanted to be a SAHM (like my mother had been) and felt like a failure! My husband supported me in my decision to return to work 3 days a week and it was the best thing I have ever done. My daughter absoultely loves daycare, is thriving and learning so much more than I ever imagined! My spark has returned and I know that being a SAHM full time is just not for me. Being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world! If you need a break, would you consider putting Carter into daycare just so you can have 1/2 a day or 1 day a week to yourself - to figure out the feelings you are having? That was the answer to my dark days - it may not be the answer for your feelings, but I truly hope you start to feel better soon! I wish you well. Rachel xo

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  28. I've been feeling the same for the past week or so; except I'm also angry; not sure at who or what. I'm not sure why ( perhaps the fact that winter is looming). Most importantly talk to your husband and let him know what you are feeling and don't be afraid to take some time to yourself. You will make it through!

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  29. Hi Meghann,
    I hope you will be feeling brighter soon. I think it is very hard for sahm. We do not always get adult interaction as it isnt always possible to line up outings evryday or two as kids are different everyday and sometimes its easier to stay home instead of going out! It is the same everyday with cleaning,feeding,cooking,washing and tending to the childrens needs that we do forget about ourselves. (or mainly lack of time). I am lucky to book my hircut! Its always overdue.....it can also get lonely at times.
    Take some time to focus on yourself. We all need a little TLC to keep going!
    Kara .xo

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  30. I hope things are on the up for you soon, I think we all have times like this every now and again.

    Going out for dinner with girlfriends, even if I feel like I can't be bothered really helps lighten my moods.

    big hugs
    Kristy

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  31. hope your feeling yourself soon.
    i love reading about you and Carter.
    Love from London

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  32. I already had a feeling something might be wrong when reading your last posts. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I hope you will feel better soon...

    I followed you for the past two years and will. I can wait for sunshine.

    big hugs from Berlin,
    Anja

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  33. I hate to hear you are going through that! I have been there and its SO hard. Maybe you should take some time to spend on YOU! I know you may feel guilty but leave carter with the grandparents for a few days even if it is just during the day. Sometimes we just have to take care of ourselves. The mommy role can be so hard sometimes, and in it I think we forget to spend time on us. When I took some time out for myself I felt much better and as a result everyone was happier, and I was a better mother because of it.

    I hope things get better for you soon. I am praying for you!

    -Amanda W. (mommy to sweet 2 year old boy)

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  34. Sorry you are feeling this way. I think it just gets to us sometimes.. We are in the same boat in a lot of ways.... I have adorable 15 month old twins, a loving and hard working husband and a new dream home in Newport Beach... I have been home full time now for 4 months and I sometimes find myself longing for more. Not sure what, because really, I have so much.
    When I have a bad day, I let myself sulk for 5 minutes.... Then look at my life and remember how good it is. I have a roof, healthy kids and someone to love me.
    I love reading your blog and find humor and inspiration in your journeys. Hang in there. Xxoo

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  35. I always think it takes incredible courage for bloggers to be as honest and open as you've been in this post. We all go through dark times, that is completely natural. I know I've had my fair share of dark times and its always harder when you have reasons to be happy, people in your life who you love, etc. I think finding the strength to identify the darkness and then to pull yourself out, to post the truth, to focus on finding peace, that is the best kind of example you can set for your child and for your readers.

    I admire the strength you've shown here. And I hope things get better for you very soon.

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  36. I totally know where you are coming from. Then one day I realized, eventually only Christ can satisfy. Life is a big fat disappointment. But I am always my happiest when I'm enjoying God!

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  37. Hang in there Meghann!You are an incredibly strong person who has a loving family and wonderful home. Just remember that things will start to get better. I've been following you for over a year now, and I love your posts and videos so much! Keep your head up and remember that all your supporters out there still love you!

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  38. Isn't it lovely to know that you are not alone? THAT is the purpose of this blog. You are not alone. Keep em coming girl and we'll be here to support you. Hugs!

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  39. Awww, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I was starting to worry about you. SAHM for almost 5 years here, and do know you aren't alone in your "dark" feelings. *Hugs* from Southern Illinois!

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  40. I'm so sorry.....I know that feeling all too well. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for the last few months (and several years off and on to an extent). For me, I have no better explanation than the "winter blues" and apparently a tiny chemical imbalance. All I know is when it hits - it sucks and it is hard to find motivation to do anything, and I get overwhelmed all too easily over simple things that wouldn't normally have any effect on me. I will be keeping you in my prayers. I've definitely missed your blogs - cheery or not I love reading them - but I do have an understanding as to where you are at. <3

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  41. I'm so sorry it's been a hard while. I know exactly what you mean. I deal with anxiety myself, and like you I rarely know what the "cause" of it is. I can never pinpoint the exact moment or thing that causes me to go into that spiral of feeling down. So, all that to say, I know what you mean, and I truly hope you can shake it soon to feel like yourself again. I think sometimes as sahm's, we can feel almost trapped? in the constant tasks and efforts to make our home a happy home. You are wonderful, and I love your blog. xoxo, Melanie

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  42. being a stay at home mom is hard in so many ways that can't even begin to be explained. in ways that i both expected and never expected. luckily for us, all things must end...and this too- will end. it's an emotional roller-coaster when you spend all your time with a tiny person who hasn't quite figured out empathy. be well:)

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  43. I understood every bit of what you said and I resonated with it as I have felt that same way too... more than once over the years. You just have to do the little things that make you feel a bit better and then ride it out and things will get better. At times like these I try to remind myself that 'this too shall pass'. Sending you love and hugs from Australia xo

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  44. I completely understand and have lived with that feeling. I know what you mean. It is an unshakable dark cloud and so frustrating to deal with. I've been able to get over most of it...with a combo of family, friends, prayer, scripture, and the right dose of Zoloft. I'm not ashamed to be asking medication because it is helping me get through each day. I will e praying for you and the many other ladies struggling with the same thing.

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  45. I'm sorry that you've been feeling that way =( I am a stay at home mom for 20months and I have been feeling almost depressed lately. Far away from parents and closest friends, not much to do on a very almost remote place, hardly get me time..so I pretty much am overwhelmed..hope we feel better soon!

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  46. Girlfriend, I hear you. And seeing the other comments I feel comforted knowing I'm not alone. I love your blog and your videos. Hope you have better days soon :)

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  47. I must say that you have an incredible way of expressing yourself. Your message, whether through your blogs or photographs, is clear and the emotion is so strong. You really have a gift. As a mother myself, I can definately relate to how your feeling. I hope that you find what it is you are looking for. Maybe plan a vacation or some sort of project. Sometimes I just feel "stuck" and need to find something to work on and get excited about. Thank you for sharing your life with us!

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  48. I love you blogs and videos, they kept me busy through my entire pregnancy and make so many things i found strange seem normal. I completely understand where u are coming from! I too am a stay at home mum and sometimes dread the thought of getting up after a sleepless night to do the same dull routine all over again. But then a day will come where something new keeps u busy and ur fine again. I hope u r feeling better. Your a beautiful mother and an inspiration to us all. Hang in there!

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  49. Oh my goodness, I've been feeling the same way for a couple of weeks too. My son turned two, 2 weeks ago. I've read/watched your stuff from day 1 and when I'm in these "ruts" I think, "Why can't I be like Meghann and have fun activities planned? She wouldn't keep Carter inside all day, why do I do it to....?" But alas, we have hormones, we are not perfect, and that's just the way it is. And the looming winter season I'm sure is not helping! Thank you for sharing. Hopefully, we'll get through this quickly and be brighter afterwards! I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

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  50. I don't think I could possibly say anything that hasn't already been said in your comments here. I think SO many of us know exactly what you mean and how you feel. I sometimes chalk it up to the mommy blues. Doing the same thing all day everyday and being with a child who we cannot really have good conversations with can leave us feeling blah, funky and even sad or bluesy. I've been battling this "not today" feeling for about a 6 month period now. Some days are better than others. You are beautiful, a wonderful and gifted writer, a sweet-hearted person, and a good mommy and wife. I will send a prayer up to the big man upstairs and ask him to fill you up and refresh you in some way! Many hugs and thank you for always being so real. It's encouraging to us all!

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  51. I don’t have a house, a husband or a beautiful little boy. I just have me and my dog Zoey. I am 30 years old. I completely understand your "So... this is it" conclusion. I look at my life and the places I have gone and the things I have chosen and I am happy, but on a quiet Sunday afternoon when I am home alone and everyone else is with their families I too say to myself... "So this is it"... this is your life.

    You are not alone; everyone has "So... this is it" moments.

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  52. We all have these phases. I JUST came out of one. It will pass. But it's a reminder to us about what's important. Whatever it is you've been down about, well now you are aware how unhappy you are about it, and therefore you can start making changes. Easier said than done I know. But it's a start.
    http://beingmama.com/
    http://ohsoprettylife.blogspot.com/

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  53. I know it is a little late , and that you probably are over with it too , but i just wanna let you know that we love your blog (Nate and i ) !!

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  55. and we are praying for you guys 2:)i feel like that sometimes too ..actually today i was like that and then i read this ... talking to God , reading something positive and talking with positive friends (moms ) always helps me .. :)

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