strategizing

bigdeal
I'm kind of a big deal.

At last. I write about something that coincides perfectly with the title of my blog. I'm feeling cautious about this one. I'm no parenting writer.

But I guess I'm still a parent.

A lot of a toddler's frustrations are channeled into his inability to tell you what he wants. Once he can talk, most of those crying fits are eliminated.

So they say.

Ahem. Let's jump to the unwritten chapter where Carter can mostly tell me in broken words and small sentences every single thing he wants. Except? The sentences gravitate around anything and everything I don't want him to do.

I watch Mee-mouse. I want to watch Mickey Mouse.
I want pop. I want a lolly pop.
I want dat peece, peas. I want that Pepsi, please.
No bath. I not!
No like dat [insert any given food I make here].
I get tattoo. Kidding. But he may as well say it.

Saying no has truly started beating me down. Not because the crying bothers me, but having days full of battles wears on our supposedtobehappy relationship. I can't stand that my discipline has my little prince personally and tragically offended. I want to tell him yes as often as I can for his entire childhood.

And you know what? No matter how much I explain to him why he can't have or do certain things, it's not going to change the toddler rule of thumb. Kids love things that are bad for them. They hate doing things that are good for them. At his age, disrupting this causes screams and tears.

Since he understands everything I say, I started approaching the requests differently. Instead of outright saying no, I'll figure out a way to work in a yes.

I'm going to interrupt myself for a second here with a typical parenting disclaimer. Children do need to learn to hear no. I'm working on saying no in different ways so Carter can learn right from wrong and still be happy at the same time. There are still tons of circumstances where I have to outright tell him no. And before anyone writes it, he's not spoiled.

Momma, I watch Mee-mouse.
I get my voice super excited. Yes, you can! But first we're going to get a nap.
He's so thrown off and thrilled by the sound of Yes, that the nap doesn't bother him. The nap isn't even for another hour, but I skipped the battle and turned his request into a reward.

Let's go get a bath.
No bath! I not!! Eyebrows are furrowed and fists are even clenched at his sides.
Normally, I pick him up, kicking and screaming, and carry him to the tub. Except now, he gets a choice.
Ok. Mommy's going upstairs. You can stay here by yourself or come get a bath.
{Or the harsher route} Ok. You can sit in Time Out or come get a bath.

We fight less and play more. I'm not teaching no with the ease and simplicity I'd envisioned my previous parenting self, but my house isn't full of constant, heart-broken battles anymore. I think that children carry the early happiness you teach with them for the rest of their lives. When he was a baby, I smiled at him constantly through my tiredness, but I never knew that someday just smiling would come to be this challenging. I've wondered more than once when the crying will stop. After more than two years, the day will come when I've tucked him into bed without having seen a single tear. But I have a feeling that when it happens, I'll be missing his chubby cheeks too much to even notice.

In the meantime, I've taken my Pepsi addiction, poured it into an inconspicuous mug and convinced him that it's yucky coffee.


26 comments:

  1. Cute post I can totally relate were at this stage as well and I find this technique very helpful. I understand how you feel on the saying no to everything deal I hate it too. It breaks my heart ...and I agree he is not spoiled!!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks! when you're in the moment, it's hard to keep from saying No and find a different approach. i'm working on it though :)

      Delete
  2. I don't have kids but I feel like I should bookmark this for when I do! Haha. This seems so much better than having near-constant meltdowns, for sure! :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. HA my little guy is little over 2 years and he says "I not!" It's so cute, it makes me want to laugh..haha It's been so neat to be able to actually talk now and they understand what you are saying and can talk back in their little broken sentence way..I love it! But yes the tantrums and No's get old..but I savor each stage as they say they pass ... and that they do, actually to quickly for my liking!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. don't you love hearing the "i not!" ??? it never gets old! and the same with the funny little broken sentences. i'm actually not even looking forward to full vocab sentences, i love hearing the way he tries to talk right now :)

      Delete
  4. i do the same thing with my little man, great approach for a 2 year old...i LOVE his shirt by the way too cute!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lol funny you say that you hide Pepsi in a cup and say its coffee, I've lied to Jacob many times by telling him my soda is coffee. It works! Lol. As for bedtime without a fuss...I can finally get Jacob into bed without a fight, I say " Jacob its time for nuh nights" with a cheery voice, then I change his diaper then lay him into his bed, and as long as he has his portable DVD player in his room playing the Elmo movie then he stays in bed without a peep most of the time and within a half hour he's out! Yay! Then once he's asleep, I shut his DVD player off. So no more staying up till 2am, he understands tht bedtime means going in his bed to sleep. (at 9:30) it's great!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh wow! i thought i was the only genius in the world who thought of the pepsi in the coffee cup! there are two of us! that's awesome

      Delete
  6. The crying... 2 is a tough age for crying. It is when they are understanding that they are separate from adults and can make their own decisions. It is also a huge boundary testing age!

    There is a whole series of development books (NOT parenting books) that describe each age and what's going on in their brains -

    Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender

    pretty much sums it up. These are good to have in your parenting arsenal because 3 is crazy -

    Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. those sound like really good books! except the title of the 3 year old one really scares me! haha!

      Delete
  7. Love the post so much because I can totally relate on all levels! Saying no to your adorable toddler rips out a little piece of your heart, right? Right! I dont like it. But I know in my hear that he has to learn what "no" means and that I'm the parent, he's the child. It's just hard! I like how you turn "No" into a positive and try to do that myself.

    Oh and that picture is too adorable for words.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks! i don't like saying no all the time, it makes me feel so mean. but sometimes i just don't care if he thinks i'm mean or not, as long as i get to keep him healthy and clean :) haha

      Delete
  8. You're an awesome mom Megh, and Carter isn't spoiled you just care :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks mandee! sometimes it just feels like the only things that keep two year olds happy are things that probably spoil them :)

      Delete
  9. HAha. I love this post. Why? Because our sons are the same age and I was convinced it was me telling this story! My son loves this show called Caillou on PBS. And we hear all day long, "Watch Caillou, honey..please" (we obviously call him honey a lot because he calls everyone honey now!) I've taken on the same route you have. Instead of saying no, no no no no no alllll day long, we say yes, or sure BUT, after you have a nap, or after you eat your lunch. "Mumma, I no like it (enter random food here)", "I no like it take bath". I thought things would be easier now that he's talking full sentences, but it's really not. It is an adventure though. A spoiled child isn't a bad thing....I don't think so anyway, because my son is spoiled, BUT he has good manners and he's a great kid.
    Your doing an amazing job with Carter, thank you for sharing your life with the world!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh my gosh i totally laughed when I read the "honey, please" part!! i'd die if carter said that, it's hilarious! i thought things would be easier with full sentences, too. really it just brings on another stage of challenges. but i have to admit, hearing them put together little sentences always amuses me, it's SO cute.

      Delete
    2. I will have to try and capture the "honey" on video. It's funny when you hear him say it. Another one of my favorites he's started saying is "uh,uh". I told him he had to take a bath because he was dirty from playing outside, "Noooooooooo", "Adam, your dirty and stinky", "uh-uh" I just laughed.

      Delete
  10. I am by no means an expert becuase my son is younger than yours and not talking yet, but in fear (oh I mean, preparation lol), I am reading a book that was highly recommended by some other toddler moms, it's called "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood." It's a quick, fun read - nothing deep, lots of fun anecdotes, and is mostly about keeping the peace by giving lots of choices, even if they seem silly, to make your toddler feel he has some control (i.e. saying 20 minutes before bedtime "Do you want to go to bed now, or in 20 minutes?") and then it's supposedly easier to take back the control in situations where you need it. Again, I am soo not an expert, but thought I'd mention the book in case you're interested!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that book sounds great!! and the 20 minutes before bedtime thing is kinda genius! i'm going to look for it the next time we stop by the barnes & noble train table :)

      Delete
  11. Hey pretty lady. I think you are a beautiful, smart mother. I loved the part about smiling at Carter everyday, even when it may have been difficult. That says so such about you as a mom and as a person. Carter will remember those smiles forever. Oh, and you got another pepsi drinker in the house. Ha! Nothing seems to taste as good as sweet ole pepsi. Love your new blog layout. Keep on rockin girl. Love your writings so very much. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks christina ann! i can't go a day without pepsi, that's so bad!

      Delete
  12. I am not a parent, nor do I plan on having children anytime soon, but I loved this post. I really like how you are trying to work out ways to say "yes" and still get him to do what you want/need him to do. I think it's great that you're not just flat out saying "no". My parents did that a lot, and they still do..haha, but I think it's really awesome that you're trying to work out compromises, of sorts. I think you are an amazing parent and a wonderful person!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks rachel! i do have days where i'm feeling brain dead & tired and just flat out say NO to everything. i feel bad about those days. but we're working on it :)

      Delete
  13. I love your positive approach to saying no!!! Scarlett sometimes refuses her bath, too, and so we started adding shaving cream to her routine. She gets to spray it on her belly or the side of the tub and do finger art while I wash and rinse her!

    I agree, too, that kids need to hear no, but it's also fun to be able to say yes!! Distraction is the key to my avoiding meltdowns!!!

    Love this post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. shaving cream! that's a really fun idea! i'm soo going to use it :)
      distraction - THAT was the word i was looking for while i was writing this post :)

      Delete