bumbles?


I can pop out blog posts about Carter all day long. You know. You've seen them. I love showing him off. Bragging about him. But changing the vibe of some of my blog posts to something super personal and less than admirable? It feels a little funny.

About four years ago, my husband and I, blissfully in denial, decided to casually ask a fertility doctor why we weren't getting pregnant. We were suddenly barraged by the truths of infertility. Starting that week, my life was filled with surgeries, blood tests, ultra sounds and repeats of surgeries. For every test conducted, there was more bad news. I didn't know how badly I wanted a baby until I saw the aching look on my doctor's face. He was looking for the words to tell me I wouldn't have one.

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I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't turn off the incessant, worried chatter in my brain. My mind was always panicky and racing. I'd lived my life in the mindset that I'd get married, have a home and make babies. It was my right. It was my plan. What do I do if I don't have a family? Travel? But I hate traveling.

In public, I'd see a pregnant woman or a mommy with a baby casually strolling around the store. The look on her face and the aloof to her stride didn't seem to fully appreciate what she had in front of her. I went home and cried all the time. My emotions morphed into a hate for any given female because she could probably have a baby, and I couldn't. I was exhausting my husband. I was always enraged, jealous or sad, and he was running out of reassurance. Eventually I opted to just not leave the house; it felt a lot easier on my heart.

To shorten the story, we did in vitro fertilization a year after our first doctor's appointment. I was on the maximum amount of fertility drugs permitted for a human with a pulse, and we were only able to retrieve two eggs. One egg fell apart immediately. The other one stayed strong, painted its eyes bright blue and became Carter.

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Today my life with Carter is happy. He is more than I imagined a person could ever capably be, and he's only been alive twenty months.

Sometimes, in the back of my mind, I struggle a little bit with what's meant to be in life. As in, things that happen naturally versus forcing the issue. (If you'd asked me prior to discovering my own infertility what I thought of modern medicine, I would have told you I was against conceiving children in medical ways) But when I look at my son's face, I know someone who's this beautifully sweet has major plans laid out for his future. I think that just by claiming his spot in this world and existing, he's stronger than me. I feel like he saved me from my sorrow. I owe him the world.

I'm in a stronger position than I was four years ago. I was in such a dark place, and now I have more than I statistically should. I don't think I deserve anything more.

But I do want more for Carter.

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And so that's why I'm writing. We want Carter to grow up with a sibling. I want him to have someone to play with. To hide with if his parents fight. To build giant birds' nests out of pine straw in the woods and split little snack bags of Doritos. We're giving IVF a go again.

Going backwards and doing it all again feels frustrating. Once I laid eyes on that positive pregnancy test, I knew the emotions I went through during that battle were gone forever, simple as that.

I'd love to see this turn out positive, but if it doesn't, I know that I'm not left wondering what it feels like to love a baby. I want Carter to smile into a face similar to his own and never feel alone.



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my brother & me


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matt & his brothers



64 comments:

  1. Oh Meghann, tears. This is such a heart felt post, I've always wondered about Carter as I knew you had problems conceiving him but you never posted details about it. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you another baby.

    We have been trying for baby 2 for eight months now, I haven't posted about it... I'm not sure what to say. I always did feel a little guilty when I was pregnant with Harper (we got him first try) I was always thinking about the couples that had been trying for years.

    Although my situation is nothing compared to yours, I am beginning to know the heart break when each month you think this is it, only to be let down again.

    Big hugs Kristy

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  2. I will pray for you with all my heart until you have your second!

    My husband and I have been waiting for 7 years to try. This is our first month trying. Watching other people have children time and time again broke my heart, knowing it wasn't yet my time. All the time not knowing if I even can have babies.

    So, I will pray...
    ~Beth

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  3. Such an Amazcing post. Good luck with your next round of IVF. I will be thinking about you!

    And, I agree every child should be blessed with a sibling! (if possible)

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  4. Thanks for sharing your heart and more of your story with us. This was beautiful to read and I pray that God blesses you with another child for your son someday. I too don't want just one kiddo. I really want D to have a sibling so I know what you mean there. God bless you along this journey friend! Keep us posted! xo

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  5. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. I wish you guys the best of luck! Can't wait to see an "I'm pregnant!" post from you! :)

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  6. Thanks for sharing this. It really is incredible what science can do. That seems like so much that you went through trying to conceive! Of course when you see Carter you know it was worth it. Hopefully it will work again this second time around.

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  7. I'm a new follower and I just have to say that this is such a beautiful post. I can't imagine how much of a roller coaster ride this has been for you. I'm wishing you the best of luck conceiving number 2!

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  8. Hey girl, I am with you right by your side! Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story with us. It must be hard to put it all out there and you are so strong. I have to say, I've been following you since you were pregnant with Carter and I actually feel like I know you! I look forward to your blogs and videos ever week. You've inspired me to start my own blog, it's in the works and if I could become half of what you have I would be happy.
    Good luck and hang in there, I'm thinking of you!

    Your friend,
    Jen

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  9. Dear Meghann - This is such a beautiful post. I lost my first baby in March and I have been having all of those feelings you mentioned during your infertility trials. I have my fingers crossed that you and Matt will get your second baby and wish you everything you and Matt desire. xoxox

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  10. Beautiful post! I pray that your IVF is sucessfull and that Carter has a sibling to grow up with!!!

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  11. Meghann...I hope and pray that IVF works for you again. I have been there, I know how hard it is and how you must be feeling right now. We did IVF last year and finally got the baby we had been praying so hard for, I believe it will happen for you again. Know that you will be in my prayers.
    Nothingtochance.blogspot.com

    Amy

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  12. Oh Meghann I read this with tears. As a fellow IVF'er -- I totally relate. My baby boy is 18 months and the best thing that has ever happened to me and feel truly blessed!! I'm older and not going to try again...but if I was younger I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I wish you all the luck in the world and lots of prayers. I hope you will share your journey with us if you want to. We are all rooting for you!!
    ~ Christy

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  13. I never had to undergo IVF, so I don't understand those feelings and I'm not going to lie and say that I do. But we are also now looking at trying for a second child and are faced with the bitter medical reality that we may never be able to have a successful pregnancy again.
    My heart bleeds for you and the uncertainty. My prayers go with you, matt and carter. I'd love to see a second tiny blue eyed baby in your arms. All my love dear
    -Lyss

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  14. Such sweet pictures... thanks for sharing!
    Just found your blog and it's adorable!!

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  15. I love your honesty. We pray for the best!

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  16. Praying for your family Meghann.. You have a lot of support this time around during your second IVF journey :)

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  17. Loved this post. When you said "I felt like he saved me from my sorrow. I owe him the world" I broke down in tears. I can't imagine what you were going through. Thanks for sharing. - xoxo

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  18. This is a beautiful outpouring of truth. Though I have been extremely lucky in getting pregnant easily and so have never expereinced infertility, I did have a miscarriage with my first pregancy, and looking into my beautiful healthy son's face when there was a possibiility of never having him makes me feel very similar to what you described. Also, though people say natural versus IVF, I think IVF is natural too. It is perfectly beautifully natural to want to have a baby of your own. It's very natural to find a way to have that baby when obstacles are in the way and there is a way to get around that. Wanting to love a baby of your very own is natural for the majority of women and couples, I think. Your love for Carter is a testament to that.

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  19. Hey, Meghann....your blog was from the heart so from my heart...i will be praying that your ivf goes well! I wish i could take your spot...for me getting pregnant was easy... I am so sorry for your pain. I didn't go what you went through...but levi had the cord wrapped around his neck twice. He was born not breathing. They where going to announce his time of death after several minutes doing cpr...when they stopped, levi jolted and started breathing. It was a miracle. Your, little Carter is a miracle Too, I know you know better than anyone. please don't be discouraged! I will be praying that God blesses you and Carter with a sibling! This is totally selfish, hoped you checked out my blog!

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  20. Thank you for telling your story, I don't think there are enough true stories out there. When I was trying to get pregnant I felt like every other women simply thought about getting pregnant and got pregnant. That isn't the way life works though but I found that out while trying and then having to try some more.
    Good luck with whatever the future brings you, you seem like you are in a great place because of Carter.

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  21. Just so you know if you can't get pregnant again, there is nothing wrong with being an only child. I was an only child and I got/get "You're the only one?!" shocked faces. "Wow, but you're so nice" etc. I LOVED being an only child. When my mom and dad did think about having another I pleaded with them not to, because I didn't want to not be the 'baby' anymore. I honestly see pro's and con's to both. Personally I see more pro's when you have a daughter only vs a son. I was so super close with my mom and didn't have to share her with anyone, and when you add more kids it does change the dynamic. Now with that said I am 8 months pregnant with my second and I am happy my daughter is having a younger brother, so I'm not just pro only child lol! BUT if you can only have one it is not a bad thing at all. I've actually met alot of only children and we all say the same thing as people who have had sibling say we usually like the way we grew up. Yes there's always a random few who had brothers and sister and HATED it, or who were only children and longed for a sibling, but for the most part we enjoy how we were raised. I loved having my privacy, I could have friends over then kick them out for peace and quite, my parents always belonged just to be, always had one on one time, lots of toys for me, etc. Part of my still wished I could have kept my little girl alone and just focused on her, but I am happy to add to our clan. Trust me when I say there are so many pro's and con's to both and remind yourself that as you go down this very emotional path. Not being able to get pregnant is devestating for a woman, it's almost like feeling your faulty and on top of that to be told you can't have something that should come so easy, to have that decision be made for you- well it would make me so mad. I'm so happy you did get Carter and I wish you the best of luck!!

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  22. Ive been following your blog for a few months now and never knew the story of Carter in that detail. You have so much courage to go through something like that all over again. My husband and I havent started trying yet (probably early next month) but there are a few ladies that are a part of TLC's A Conception Story that have infertility problems. You should read along with all the journeys, maybe it will help you through the process knowing others are going through it too.

    Go here for the main site ---> A Conception Story
    Go here for my story ---> Meet Us

    Best of luck to you and your sweet family!
    [sweet life of a southern wife]

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  23. Beautifully written. Good luck !
    http://ohsoprettylife.blogspot.com/

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  24. I suppose, in a way, my story is a little opposite of yours. Instead of dreaming that one day I'd have a house, a husband, and children, I wondered what exactly I would have. I was scared of what I might not have. As luck would have it, I was blessed with a home and an amazing husband, but I was afraid of not being able to have children when I wanted them. Looking back, I think that's why I was never really ready to try for a baby even when my husband was, because I didn't want to face the very possible truth that we wouldn't be able to have any. My fears came from my family - my grandparents were told they wouldn't have a child, but years later somehow they were blessed with my dad. My parents went through the same struggles. It took 7 years for me to make an appearance, and it was that - the 7 years - that scared me.
    When I finally agreed and we started trying, I was upset and disappointed every month the test came back negative. It was horrible everytime, each negative making me more anxious and certain that I was following in my family's footsteps and we had years of heartache ahead of us. However, after just 4 months the test came back positive, and there's not one day that goes by that I'm not grateful for our little bean.
    Your story is very different from mine, but I remember those months where it felt like I was sinking down a dark hole, and how each month my hopes would be crushed again. I'm so happy you were blessed with Carter, and I hope that there's another beautiful baby in your near future.

    ~Chelsea

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  25. I was one of those girls...the ones who got pregnant easy (but on purpose) and maybe didn't fully appreciate all the beauty in what I was experiencing (alright I complained a lot). Stories like this give me a bit of perspective, and I'm committed to changing mine for the better.

    I wish you guys the best of luck, but you won't need it because it's what's meant to be. You've got so much love to spread around...I feel it.

    Now I have to wipe the tears from my eyes and get back to work.

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  26. Beautiful thoughts and post! Good luck with everything!

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  27. *Huge hugs* Good luck and I'm praying for you. :)

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  28. Meghann, I've been following your vlogs and this blog since you were pregnant with Carter (and I was pregnant with my baby boy). I feel connected to you even though we have never met and this is my first time responding to any of your posts. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  29. Meghann, I am so, so hopeful for you and happy that you're going to give it another go! I remember reading your infertility story when we were getting ready to undergo our first IVF, and being completely astounded at how you beat all of the odds - it was an incredible story and I believe you will beat them again! Here's to another little bumble (or bumble-ina!).

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  30. great blog meghann! thanks for sharing! xoxo

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  31. What a wonderful post! It brought tears to my eyes! Best of luck to you, Matt and Carter! I will be thinking of you and praying!!!

    Hugs,
    Jaime

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  32. Nothing is staying empty in life. You just need to wish very much and think positive. Try try try! There are miracles! And one you have already! :)

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  33. I'm sure this was a tough post to write. I'm praying for you!

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  34. Dear Meghann & Matt,

    I just wanted to share my support for you starting IVF again.

    I have followed your journey since you were pregnant with Carter. In that time I have had 2 miscarriages and I am now 28 weeks pregnant (my first).

    I'm all the way in Australia, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers!

    Good luck!

    xoxx

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  35. I never had to go thru IVF, but my husband I tried for over 19 months to get preggie and had to go to fertility specialists to find out why we weren't getting pregnant. I do understand the frustration and the slow growing hatred that I used to get from moms that didn't fully appreciate their little family that was right in front of them.
    I wish you and Matt nothing but the best and I can't wait to see "I'm pregnant" post! Good luck to you both, lots of prayers your way and I know that Carter will be an awesome big brother!!!

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  36. You always have ways with words...such beautifully written! I wish you all the best with everything! Yes, I can't wait to read about your "I'm pregnant" post! Best wishes! :))

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  37. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal story with us. Your writing (and you!) are absolutely beautiful! Carter is lucky to have been so loved and hoped for, even before he was born. I will be praying for you as you go through ivf again. You are an amazing mother and I would LOVE to see another little one in your life!

    My hubby and I also struggled with infertility for a year before we finally had Ryan. I remember the same feelings of jealousy towards anyone who was pregnant (and those who already had kids), and feeling such disappointment each month when the pregnancy test showed negative. I feel that my son also "saved me from my sorrow" as you so eloquently put it.

    I hope that both of our sons will be blessed with a sibling at some point in life! (I'm an only child and I hated it.. so I'm completely with you on wanting more than one!) I know everyone is different though. And if we only end up being able to have one child, at least we got to experience motherhood! That is more than some people get and (to me) it's the most beautiful thing in life!

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  38. @kriznizzel thanks kristy! i wasn't really plan to post about it either, because - like you said - i wasn't sure what to say exactly, it's kinda hard to grab the words that could get something so major explained the way you want it heard. I hope it happens for you soon. xoxo

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  39. @Anonymous thanks beth! i'll pray for you too. if there's anything i've learned, it's that things have a way of working out the way they're supposed to

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  40. @Chelsy thank you chelsy! i'd love to see him with a little bff :)

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  41. @Christy / Thrifty Vintage Kitten thanks! i soo want to write that "i'm preg" post! i've got a title for it and everything :P

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  42. @Rachel (Linesacrossmyface) thanks rachel! it was a crazy year, but i'd do it all a hundred more times if i knew i could just have Carter :)

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  43. @jenanderson3 wow thank you jen! post & speak with your heart, and your blog will be amazing! thank you for the really nice comment xoxoxMeghann

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  44. @Two People in Love hi ... just hearing you write that you're feeling those infertility emotions that i had makes my heart sink. i didn't write this in the post, but i had my dr prescribe me xanax to calm me down & help with sleep, not sure how you feel about that, but it's a thought. i'm praying for you xo

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  45. @Amy thanks amy! i'm so happy you also got your ivf miracle :)

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  46. @Anonymous our little guys are close in age! i'm glad ivf worked for you too, i'm forever grateful for modern medicine. thanks for the prayers & wishes!

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  47. @Alyssa Rae thank you, alyssa. prayers to you, too. we just have to keep in mind that things will happen as they should. much love to you and your family xo

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  48. @Nicole thanks nicole! it was easy to be honest after i decided to just sit and write :)

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  49. @mandeeking746 thanks mandee! you're right, i didn't really consider that, i was really alone before, and now i have all this youtube and blog support :) it's amazing

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  50. @Jill thanks jill. just reading your comment gave me little tears. i'm really proud i could get my feelings into words and know that it's not just blog words

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  51. I wish you all the luck in the world. I think its a brave thing to do, doing ivf. its a lot of risking a heart break but its all worth it. Reading your post makes me never want to take giving life for granted. you have a beautiful family and I wish you all the good luck in the world, you can do it!!

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  52. Hi! Now following via Twitter and Google. I love your blog. Please follow back at www.momma-licious.blogspot.com. Those pillows are fabulous! I may have to get some for my boys!

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  53. It took us three years to concieve my Ryder. I too felt the same jealousy and anger toward any woman who could have a baby when we weren't able to.

    My prayers are with you.

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  54. Sending my prayers and positive thoughts out into the universe for you and your family!Reading your blog and watching your videos for over a year now, I feel like I have come to know you and your family just a tiny bit! You all seem like beautiful people with blessed spirits, and I hope that your prayers of another child are answered.

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  55. Oh Meghan what a beautifulllllll story and post, writing this i am holding my 2 month old and i really feel you... all three of you deserve another little face to the family.. so just imagine the little one growing inside of you and that is what will happen "the power of thought" is really true, believe in it and it will happen...
    the lord has blessed you once and i'm sure he will bless you again...
    I love your blog and how beautiful you have made it... i hope to figure out more from mine too... MY FIRST BLOG WAS WRITTEN TODAY
    with love

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  56. As someone who fully understands the pain of IF (we have been TTC for 4 years) I will be keeping you and Matt in my prayers and that Carter gets a sibling soon!!!! Thank you for being so honest!!! xoxo

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  57. this ist written so beautiful... i wish you all the best!!

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  58. My thought are with you in you're journey to have another baby. You have a beautiful family and I am sure a lovely new addition is right around the corner.

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  59. Wow this was a very touching story :) Thank you for sharing this with us.

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